Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be dying?
Dark topic? I know!
I am writing this with tears in my eyes. About 30 minutes ago, I woke up from the worst nightmare of my life. Was it just a bad dream? Was I too stressed? What do dreams mean, anyways? I do not know.
After a long day of studying for two tests I have coming up I decided to take a nap, so I set an alarm for an hour.
In the dream I was with my friend Bianca at a place we’ve found on campus where we were supplied with everything we needed to cook. She starts cutting some onions and I told her,
“What are you doing? We have all this in my room, we can cook there and not waste money.”
She ignores me. That was extremely weird because she always says something and never ignores me like that. I ignored that and started looking for a cutting board to help her with whatever she was trying to cook. I opened a drawer in a room next to where Bianca was at and there’s a snake. I think the weird thing about this is that when I opened the drawer and saw the snake it was asleep, or atleast that’s what I think because it was so steady, it didn’t move at all. But because I was scared I jumped back and fell on the floor. Bianca runs to the room and sees me on the floor, she asked me what happened and as I was telling her the snake was coming to me so Bianca threw something at it.
Next thing I know, I’m at my grandparents house…
I was saying to my grandma that I was going home to look for my mom.
I got to my house and there was no one, so I decided to take a nap in a hammock that was in the middle of the living room. I layed on it and as I was trying to fall asleep, I am, for some weird reason, thinking of what it would feel like to die and, more specifically, what would it feel like to have a heart attack?
Slowly I am falling asleep. All of a sudden I see it… I saw the light. But I’ve watched enough movies to know that you don’t want to get to the light, that you still have a lot of time left in this life, that no matter what do not follow that light. I tried everything in me to wake up. I tried to scream, I tried to move… I couldn’t.
“Stop swinging so hard, you’re going to hurt yourself”
I was no longer in my house, I was back at my grandparent’s. Somehow I was able to turn my head and I saw grandpa sewing something in the sewing machine. I tried talking to him, but I couldn’t. I can move! Yes, I can move now! I made a sign with my hands to let him know that I couldn’t talk, and he said,
“Tell your mom, she’ll help you.”
I opened my eyes. Everything is dark, but I see rays of light coming in through the window. It is a little cold, but my body is hot. I look around in the darkness… I’m in my dorm room. I was having a nightmare.
My heart acceleration rate is a little higher than normal, but I feel normal… like I just woke up from a nap, but the alarm hasn’t gone off yet… I check my phone, the alarm would sound in three minutes.
I so desperately wanted to tell someone about it. I texted my best friends, as I was texting I felt my chest growing and I want to cry, I want to scream. But its stupid, why would I cried? It was a stupid dream. It wasn’t real… or was it? My chest is holding in too much air, I have to let it out. But I don’t want to.
One second, two seconds, three seconds… Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale… slowly, calm down. It was just a dream. I don’t know!
I don’t know if it wasn’t a dream. It feels like a memory, something that really happened and not just a nightmare.
Waterfalls! Pillow over my head, screams.
Couldn’t hold it any longer…
I called my mom once I was calmer. I told her. I cried again.
As I was telling my mom, I realized something.
March 3rd, 2017
The worst day of my life. My oldest brother, the brother I grew up with, died. Leukemia.
I always wondered what he felt? Was he mad at me because I wasn’t there for him? Was his death painful? Who am I going to cook arroz con atun for? Why did he have to die? Who’s taking me to school every morning?
I don’t know what my brother felt. How painful it was… I don’t want to think about it.
What I felt in that nightmare was horrible. I am scared of death. I do not want to die.
I will always wonder, was this a nightmare or my brain transformed it into that so I wouldn’t go crazy? Like I said it feels like a memory. Was I just so stressed that it caused me to have this weird dream? I studied for six hours, with a break in the middle. I don’t usually study for this long. Was this dream me foreshadowing something? Was it a sign? What is it trying to tell me? What is the meaning of dreams? I don’t want to look it up, because knowing me, I’ll get obsessed over it.