The nurse chuckles when I tell him that the car didn’t hit me but I hit the car. My forearm might be broken and my spleen might’ve ruptured, but all I can think about is the movement his lips would make when he comes back from testing my piss and asks “did you know you were pregnant?” I hadn’t gotten my period in two months, and was currently juggling three guys, none of which was known by the woman sitting across from me, who I called “Mom.”
I began thinking about how I could convince the room of my new role as the receiver of the second immaculate conception, and how long I could procrastinate calling the Vatican without having my bluff called first. I tried to remember how much a passport cost, and whether, in the span of my mother’s trip to the bathroom, I could rip my IV out, Rick Grimes style, and survive viably in Canada for approximately 9 months. I’m cute enough, I could potentially find a sugar daddy along the border as I walked across the Peace Bridge in my hometown of Buffalo, New York, and start an entire new life, far, far away from Sister’s Hospital and my religious family.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I really couldn’t remember when I got my last period. And honestly, between Cosmo’s discover Snapchat stories and WebMD, I knew very little in terms of what was or wasn’t normal down there.
I got through my emergency room visit with an arm sling, an unruptured spleen, and no mention of any unwelcomed cluster of cells growing inside me. I was safe.
Over $7 grape-flavored vodka, I spilled the whole story to my coworker, who revealed to me that she skipped her period two months ago, and was likely the cause of every problem in my life. When she came to, several minutes after knocking her out cold, she alerted me of an app she uses to track all things feminine, called Eve.
Eve by Glow is a period and ovulation tracker, as well as a health and sex app for women. Each day, it logs your health symptoms, beginning by asking you if you “got some,” followed by how, how was it, and whether your orgasm was real or nonexistent. It asks about your mood, your physical symptoms, your flow and discharge, your exercise, and your indulgences. From the first log of the app, I already discovered that I was more normal than I thought, and was told so immediately by a helpful “comparative insights” that show me statistics of my shared symptoms with over women with identical menstrual cycles, or as Eve calls them, my “cycle twins.”
Eve alerts me when my period is coming, when my fertile period is coming, and what my fertility levels are based on my cycle. But, apart from the educational information Eve offers, its “community” is equally as comforting and has become my favorite thing of all time.
The social media aspect of the app allows women to share everything that could just be considered “inappropriate” on any other app, and obtain an overwhelming amount of support. In a single scroll, I’ll see posts titled anything from “pics of my new puppy!” to “PLEASE HELP WHAT IS THIS THAT JUST CAME OUT OF ME,” and I love it. I could provide emotional support to one woman with cold feet the day before her wedding, get a vegan ice cream recipe, persuade another girl that she definitely is hot enough to send that saucy pic to her boyfriend, and then pop some popcorn in preparation for a woman who told us to “buckle up” before reading her long story about her good-for-nothing cheating bastard of a husband. And I love it.
If you’re on the look-out for a good cry, look for Marie’s post of the sweetest message her brother sent her fiance about how much he loves him. If you’re on the look-out for a good laugh, look at Kirsten’s comment underneath of a picture of her brother holding a shotgun to her husband on their wedding day. If you’re on the look-out for a story to make your jaw drop, Ashley’s comment under that tells you about the time her brother stabbed her boyfriend in the leg with a fork. And if you need that educational maternal figure in your life that is equally helpful and interested in your well-being and your sex life, download Eve and never fret over a forgotten period again.