Society today tends to place many contradictions on the gender roles expected of young women. On one hand, we are told to be strong, modern women: we can do all the same things as men, we can be successful in any industry, we are powerful and in control of our own destinies. On the other hand, however, women are still expected to conform to certain gender stereotypes. Women are generally still seen as the primary caregiver for children, make only 70% of what men make doing the same job and are still vastly outnumbered in “male” fields such as math, physics and computer science. It is understandable, then, that many young women are confused by this double standard, especially when it comes to the initiation of romantic relationships.
Traditionally, the wisdom has been for women to play “hard-to-get” and allow men to pursue them. Society tells us all kinds of common adages like “the fruit that is the hardest to reach always tastes the sweetest” or, to quote Ovid, “Easy things nobody wants, but what is forbidden is tempting.” However, there is increasingly a push for women to step up and take initiative in instigating a relationship. One can hardly pick up a magazine like Cosmopolitan or Glamour without being bombarded with various opinions on how to go about initiating a relationship.
With these contradictory ideas floating around, it can be incredibly difficult to know how to act in situations with the opposite sex. The feminist in me is constantly telling me to go for it, to ask out the guy that I am interested in, but my more traditional side holds me back. Questions like “What will he think of me?” and “If he was interested, wouldn’t he have made a move?” flow through my head like a ticker tape. It is a sentiment I have often heard from other girls as well; there is so much confusion about what guys want and how to act that we often end up either acting aloof or embarrassing ourselves.
Research on the topic of playing hard-to-get vs. initiation has also seemed to produce a mixed bag of advice. Some research indicates that men generally tend to have favorable, positive opinions of women who initiate dates, viewing them as friendlier, more feminist, and more flexible and agreeable. However, other research found that men who had sex with an initiative woman sometimes felt as though their masculinity was threatened and that they had been coerced into the sexual situation. Still others have found that “selective” women are preferred by guys- women who are generally hard-to-get but express interest in the guy who they like. Though these studies seem at times to be contradictory, there are a couple of conclusions that we can draw from them and apply to our own lives and romantic interests.
Most men likely are very open to a girl initiating a relationship with them; however, if you are interested in initiating a relationship with a guy, he will view you most favorably if he can see that your interest is actually in him, not just in a relationship with any guy. There will always be some guys who will feel threatened by a powerful, aggressive woman- these guys may not respond well to being approached by an initiative woman. Don’t let these guys dissuade you from pursuing the man you desire, however.
Yes, there is always a chance you may be rejected, but most of the research points towards favorable, positive feelings for women who pursue the guy they like. In short, go ask that guy from your bio lecture to go to the movie. Ask that cute guy you always see in the library to get coffee. Give your number to the boy you have been secretly crushing on. What’s the worst that can happen? As the fantastic, feminist, female-powerhouse P!nk, stated, “Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try, try.”
Stay sexy, St. Olaf.
H.