It feels impossible to quantify the ways I’ve changed over the years. I’m in a program I’d never have applied to 10 years ago, with hair I would’ve despised five years ago, doing homework at levels unfathomable to me two years ago. Growing up is beautiful and jarring, and as I near my 21st birthday, I don’t see much of the teenager I grew used to seeing. I’ve gone through countless phases that all integrated into part of my being, and I hold close to my heart the versions of myself that gave me so many memories, but I am none of them anymore. Stepping into adulthood feels like being given a clean slate, and I honestly have no idea what to do with it.
Growing up, I always believed we were defined by our best qualities. I strived to be kind, smart, etcetera, and I still do. But the older I get, the more I realize how limiting those beliefs were. There are parts of myself in their beginning stages, and I feel like I am starting from nothing in so many areas of my life, which is a feeling I am wildly uncomfortable with. But not being the smartest in the room means you have so many people to learn from, being a beginner means mistakes are welcome, and it leaves so much room for you to change your mind. As scary as it is, it’s incredibly beautiful to be able to reinvent yourself and start over as many times as you want. It’s easy to look around and think everyone else has it figured out, but all of us are in the same boat, regardless of age. At the end of the day, I know that I will achieve all of my goals with enough time and persistence. So in the meantime, I am rediscovering what brings me joy. I have amazing friends, a wonderful partner and so many things I love to do. I have so much time to become who I want to be, so for now, I’ve learned it is enough to just be happy.