Comparing should never be the case when it comes to assault. No person’s pain and trauma should ever be invalidated or less than because of the severity of the attack. Yet, I always feel bad for feeling bad or being triggered from mine. “It wasn’t that bad”, “People have it worse” or my favorite, “At least that didn’t happen”. All of those thoughts and doubts circle around my head everytime a sad or scared thought comes into my head when I think about what happened to me 3 years ago. But it shouldn’t. What happened to me caused me so much pain and trauma, even though the capacity of the attack may not have been as bad as others. But it was to me, and the pain and trauma I feel when looking bad is just as valid. No one deserves to be assaulted in any capacity, and no matter how you were, the pain you feel is real and no one, especially not your assaulter, can take that from you.
Nearly 3 years ago, I attended a summer program for high school juniors in leadership. I loved this program so much. But throughout the week I was there, there was something holding me down that I refused to talk about. The elephant in the room. The first night, me and three other girls that had bonded a little bit throughout the day decided to hang out to get to know each other. During this, we all ended up continuing to talk and one of the girls sitting across from me asked me if I was attracted to her, and I said I wasn’t. She didn’t like this, so much so she ended up getting up, walked up to me and choked me until I couldn’t breathe and walked back to where she was sitting. It all happened so fast. I was shocked, I was speechless and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t believe that happened to me, and neither could the other girls in the room. We didn’t speak about it. Something like that had never happened to me before, I kept thinking “there’s no way she did that, surely she was just joking”, but it didn’t matter because that’s not a joke. She put her hands on me, she restricted my breathing, she assaulted me. I had to say it out loud to fully comprehend that’s what happened, and by time I finally did, the week was about to end so I reported her before it was too late. I went through every hoop. I followed every procedure and I took her to court. I was 17 at the time, yet she had been held back at some point and was already 18 so the severity of the case had already heightened because legally she was an adult. Months later, I took her to court and she got the book. I got justice, yet everything I felt towards this has only gotten worse.
The longer the time went on from the situation, the more pain I was feeling. I wasn’t healing, I was reopening that wound everytime I would think of it. The entire two years I had a restraining order on her, I grew more and more afraid of if she would break it, if I’d ever see her or think every horrible thought out there. I was sure she was going to find me and come after me. Everytime I remembered what would happen, my anxiety would sky rocket to the point that I would have mini panic attacks just at the thought of the attack, I would get so triggered at physical touch, especially around the neck, that I feared (and still do fear) I would never be able to get in a relationship because I would automatically assume they would hurt me. I was feeling all of this while also telling myself I had no right to feel how I did because so much worse has happened to others. I had no right to be traumatized because my “assault” was barely an assault. All of these thoughts and feelings made the process of healing so much more difficult and prolonged. This girl and what she did took so much out of me— she took away my sense of security, my trust and instilled such a large and lingering fear in me. She may have gotten the book and technically gotten the punishments, but it felt like ever since, I was the one being punished. And that’s how so many people feel.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and this month means so much to me, but also for others. Survivors in all capacities are constantly ashamed and never believed for the things they have gone through. It’s so sad because it’s almost like what we endured wasn’t enough. When in actuality, we shouldn’t have had to endure it at all. Yet, most do. You never know what someone has or continues to go through. I feel like for myself, people don’t ever assume that I have gone through what I have, yet I have and just because I have learned to mask my pain doesn’t mean I don’t have pain at all. I hope society grows more understanding and protective of survivors, that people believe them and help them get through all the mental and physical challenges that they might suffer. I hope that survivors like myself, who have a long way to go when it comes to healing, find that closure and close that wound for good and will never have to relive their trauma again. And I hope that one day, there will be a world sexual assault isn’t as common as it is, and isn’t a thing at all because no one should have to endure what we survivors have.