Ranking the Anonymous Confession Accounts of the UK’s Top 10 Universities

Universities are being compared constantly. Which has the best student satisfaction? Which is the hardest to get into? Which is on top for my subject? All very sensible questions to ponder when choosing an institution, but despite the decision-making being over, the desire to compare never fully goes away. You may find yourself pondering what life might look like for our competition down south, but official league tables only tell so much. What we really want is the nitty gritty, the truth of these institutions of higher education, and where better to find that than in the darkest depths of their anonymous confession accounts?

Now I must admit, my ranking method has likely not been as rigorous as The Guardian’s, and it is yet to be externally verified, but I choose to consider that part of the joy. Here is my take on what our country’s top institutions have to offer...

10. Imperial Confessions

So I hate to get off to such a rocky start, but this first entry is a dead account and has been inactive since 2015. To my knowledge Imperial College London does not have a confessions account currently in operation, and this one is decidedly wanting. Their bio states, “There's more to us than dangerwanking in the library”, but from what I can see on their page, this doesn’t seem to be the case. 

9. Oxfess 3

For the ‘best’ university in the UK, I honestly hoped for a lot more. Oxford’s confession page is dry and lacking originality. They can’t seem to manage that work-life balance, and this seeps through to their confessions: “Existence is futile. Discuss”.

8. Durfess

Durham was also just painfully boring. Despite having almost 20 thousand likes and fairly high engagement, they had one meme I liked and that was it. Unremarkable.

7. Fessdrews

I wanted to place Fessdrews higher than this, but I could not in good conscience. We too, seem to be lacking in creativity. One post which particularly highlighted this asked, “Where are the three places to have sex around St Andrews?” Has The Union's hard work on #notthreestreets really taught us nothing? We need to broaden our horizons people, St Andrews is only as small as you believe it to be. 

6. Confessions of a SocioBath

Now it is undeniable that the title of Bath’s account has bumped up its rating significantly because the page itself has some pretty serious flaws, the most notable of which is that they do not have a system for numbering their posts. This means that if they want to respond to a previous post, they screenshot it and include it in their own which leads to some fairly convoluted submissions. Get up to speed Bath, you’re running with the dead accounts.

5. Loughborough Confession and Depression

A relatable title for a relatable page, Loughborough’s account is very personalised. With their iconic cover photo and affectionate admin M, the page has a distinct homely feel.

4. Lancfessions 2: Electric Boogaloo

Lancaster has really outdone itself here, both with an incredible title and the presence of actual confessions on their page. One poster revealed, “I hid a dead squirrel in my housemates wardrobe and now I’m stuck at home and csnt [sic] take it out”. A lockdown problem which is forgein to many (most? all?) of us, and deserves its time in the spotlight. Unlike that poor squirrel.

3. LSE Confessions

Now this is another dead account, but it has still managed to remain close to my heart for many reasons. Firstly, with a total of 253 likes, the page has a very intimate feel. They adopt the method of sending confessions directly to the facebook account (very brave), and have multiple image submissions of students on campus. It gives off a friendly vibe, so friendly in fact that some of the page’s protagonists now appear to be happily married.

2. Camfess

Camfess provides a steady stream of content in which there are consistently good posts. They have the standard Covid complaints and college in-jokes, but also some hidden gems such as a professor sending out an email in which he has photoshopped himself and Bernie Sanders together. It appears they are not as uptight as we perceive them to be.

1. WarwickFessions

I can honestly say I know nothing about Warwick that I haven’t discovered on this page, and that itself is enough to make me want to be there. With such a diverse range of content, WarwickFessions has something for everybody: posts requesting edibles, suggestions of spontaneous Ibiza trips, snarky “landlords” mocking students, and the forming of the Anxiety and Sadness Society. The whole page is wonderfully chaotic and a joy to scroll through. And as though that wasn’t enough, they also have their own Warwick Love Song. What more could one possibly ask for?

I hope this league table has been a real eye-opener for you. My key takeaway is that there is more to life than just academia; we need to focus on churning out some real confessions.