We’re in it now. Application Season. We’ve got summer internships, unpaid student placements, funding schemes, endless informational Zoom meetings, and perhaps most daunting of all: the multi-stage interview phase. While most pressing, maybe, for the graduating fourth-years, I’d venture almost no one is unaffected. Since even if you yourself aren’t scrambling for some big something to pad your CV, your friends are. And that? That can be awkward.
Say you’re studying the same subject. Suddenly, what your friends are applying for and chasing feels like what you should be doing and aren’t. There’s a constant career-FOMO and imposter-syndrome at work in competing for what could be the same gigs as your peers. And while this, of course, brings forward its own set of struggles to navigate, I want to focus on the opposite side of the same coin. Because, unless you’re on the same course, for the years you’ve been together at university, chances are that you don’t really know so much about their classes or what they’re reading.
Here at St Andrews, you have so much in common. You’re both in a run club. You share a flat, maybe. You love to cook together, and you’ve been friends since Freshers’ Week. When you can remember what classes they’re taking, it’s because you’re just such a good friend! When you ask follow-ups about sig figs or quadratic formulas, it’s because you care. You’re planning your landscape-painting summer road trip and suddenly, it’s What do you mean you’re applying for an entry-level consulting job at Lockheed Martin?? Or their mom’s sorority sister got them an informational interview at Goldman Sachs? Since when? Who is this person, and what have they done with my silly, fun best friend?
Of course, I’ve run off fictionalizing, but the point stands. We’re at a crossroads here. Off on our own, different paths going forward. But we love each other! So how can we navigate this? For me, I’ve found that I’ve had more success reimagining this fork in the road simply as a framing issue. How can I stay supportive of my friends no matter what my own path looks like?
I’ve been reading a bit about the psychology of goal-setting and adult friendships, and personally, I’ve found this article really illuminating. Jessica Weinberger writes about this succinctly in her piece “When Your Friends Are in Different Stages of Life Than You,” which was then clinically reviewed by Amy Cirbus Ph.D, LMHC, LPC for Talkspace. While Jessica is discussing more life-based changes like marriage, settling down, growing families, etc., I think we can learn a lot from the conversation even at an earlier time in our lives. I highly suggest reading.
But let’s try that reframing together. How does that sound? I’ll come up with some examples, and suggest some logic swaps. Here we go.
- You want to do a summer trip together, but she’s directing a show at The Fringe? Plan your trip with some other friends, and make sure your last stop is Edinburgh! This is a big moment for her, and the least you can do is fill out those seats.
- Your friend needs to prep for her fourth-round stage Columbia Law interview. You really want to watch a movie, though. Suggest Legally Blonde! Oh fine, I’m kidding. Turn it into a trivia night! Invite some friends over, and everyone preps her together. For every answer she’s happy with, a cookie. You have the rest of your life to watch that movie, but this is the here and now. And she needs you.
- Your friend pulls out of drinks to finish her internship application. Go without her! I know. That sounded like a joke, but really it’s not. Moping around and making her feel guilty for prioritizing herself and her future is not going to serve the two of you. Go out and have fun, and you’ll both be in a better position to spend quality time together the next time. Less resentment on your own, less deadlines on her’s.
- You’re grinding for application season, but your friend seems unbothered. Her dad’s already got her something lined up. This is a tricky one. It’s hard sometimes not to let envy fester into something more poisonous. Try to think about your own hard work as something that you get to do, that’ll better prepare you for the road ahead. That said, her path doesn’t make her any weaker. Try to feel relief for her ease at the same time.
- He was a punk. You did ballet. What more can I say? Support each other at one another’s events! Even if it’s not your cup of tea, you can be there for your friend and expand your own horizons at the same time.
I think that’s enough. You get the picture!
We may be on different paths, but we’re all in this together. True friendships are built by true friends, and true friends will get through this awkward time.