If I had to choose two words that I’ve spoken the most in my life, “I’m” and “sorry” would undoubtedly be the ones I would choose. Since I was a kid, my mother always taught me not to apologize for things unless I meant the apology and she always told me to only apologize when it’s something that I know I did wrong. Needless to say, I only follow half of that advice.
Why we over apologize:
- People Pleasing
- People-pleasers are those people who tend to put others’ needs before their own. This often leads to the neglect of one’s self; honestly, I personally think this is the worst reason to over-apologize. Having a people-pleaser personality ties heavily into having low-self esteem. Typically, those who have low self-esteem feel better about themselves when they receive approval from others.
- Low self-esteem
- Sometimes, we apologize just because we feel as if we have to be sorry for our existence. You don’t-you don’t have to apologize for being a person in existence on this earth. You are here because you deserve to be here. We apologize for our existence more often than not because we feel like we are an inconvenience to the lives of others.
- You feel the need to take responsibility for other people’s behavior
- In the most recent months, I think I have finally broken this habit. Since my early teenage years, I have always taken responsibility for my friends and their behavior. Even worse off? I have always apologized to people who have hurt me. Why? I have absolutely no idea. It makes no sense for me to apologize for something that had nothing to do with me, and yet, I still do. When we feel the need to take responsibility for other people’s behavior, it’s like taking control of a situation where we have little to no control.
Recognizing when you should apologize and when you shouldn’t:
- Don’t apologize to avoid a confrontation
- If you happen to be like me in any way, you’ll apologize when you’re trying to avoid confrontation.
- Don’t apologize when you’re at a loss for words
- Sometimes we apologize simply because there is a lull in a conversation, “I’m sorry, I’m not a talkative person.” Some would say this and see no harm in this phrase because you may have been the reason the conversation became dull. In reality, by stating this phrase you are apologizing for being yourself and that is not okay. Never apologize for being yourself-you are you and you are beautiful. *Disclaimer: if you’re being an as*hole, apologizing is okay*
- Do apologize when you’ve hurt someone
- For this to work, you have to communicate. If you want someone to know that they hurt your feelings, you have to speak up and say that, no one is a mind reader. And the likewise goes for whomever you may have been upset or arguing with. Ask them how they feel, talk to them! Apologize when you have caused harm, and be sincere in your apology.
So what now?
I can give you tips and advice and information all day and night. Ultimately, change is up to you, and it always will be. Apologize when you mean it and mean it when you say it. But also remember that your mental health is always going to come first. Take care of yourselves and remember to voice your emotions with consideration of those around you. And to finish this out, a little bit of a reminder for myself and you: “I’m not sorry for writing this, and you shouldn’t be sorry for being selfish”.