Self-love. These two words are an enigma I have been trying to figure out ever since I was diagnosed with depression a little more than a decade ago. Self-care is something that is different for everyone. For some it could be a cupcake after dinner, watching The Bachelor every Monday, or even choosing to miss that 8 AM to catch a few extra hours of shut eye. Basically, if it is said to “feed the soul,” you can guarantee that I have tried it.
It took me a long time to figure out what self-care means to me. Because I was diagnosed at such a young age, I feel like there are so many ways to share my experience. Throughout the years I have found things that work and things that don’t. There was even a point in time where I convinced myself that my unhealthy habits could be considered “self-care”. Being young, naïve and rebellious, I found myself in questionable situations (sorry mom) on multiple occasions. Looking back on it, I feel like I found myself in these problematic situations because of the people I surrounded myself with. I was always added on, and I never really had my own identity. Throughout the years I have always been labeled in a way that always connects me to someone; in my early school years I was known as “Anna Hardin’s little sister,” in middle and parts of high school I was known as “Ben’s girlfriend,” and most recently “Rebecca’s best friend.”
It didn’t really bother me when the first thing anyone I met said “oh, you’re Anna Hardin’s little sister” and I was far too much of a brainless baboon to realize my relationship was toxic when guys in my classes would say “she’s Ben’s girlfriend.” However, it did bother me when I got older and realized my peers would introduce me as “Laura, Rebecca’s best friend.” It did not take long for me to realize that I left the arms of a toxic boyfriend and ran right into the arms of a toxic friend.
The summer before my junior year of high school, I went on a bike trip through Nova Scotia. During this time away from Rebecca, I realized how toxic the relationship was; I realized that we didn’t really have the same morals, goals, and some of her “self-care habits” were unhealthy. When school started up again our friendship didn’t last long. A week before Christmas break, she dropped the few words that made me question everything: “you have become an awful person and I don’t know who you are anymore.” That was the nicer version of what she said. Now, I am not saying this was entirely her fault –I know it takes two to tango –but what she said was harsh. After my bike trip I thought I had finally found my core beliefs, who I was, but here is the person I trusted the most tearing all that confidence down.
I’m not going to lie… that was the start of some unfortunate events. I got back into unhealthy habits and felt the loneliest I had ever felt before. I thought so lowly of myself that I even ran back into the arms of a verbally abusive ex-boyfriend. I really thought I had a good grasp of who I was, but she made me question my entire belief system. I let her make me believe that I was an awful person.
Once I hit what I felt like was my rock bottom, I made the decision to start from scratch. I really thought about every aspect of my life: the people that were in it, my core beliefs, and my impact on the world around me. I slowly started cutting toxic people out of my life, I really thought about who I was and where I wanted to go, and I found the things that were important to me and held on tight to them.
In the end, I did not really start to regain my confidence until the spring semester of my freshman year of college. However, through this experience I learned how to just be “Laura Hardin,” not Anna’s little sister, Ben’s girlfriend or Rebecca’s best friend. Sometimes I still feel Rebecca’s words and I question if I really am good enough or if I am an awful person. I learned that at the end of the day, you are the one that has to live with yourself. I now know that I am not perfect, but I can say that I confidently know who I am. I am me.
*Names have been changed to respect the people mentioned in this article