When you think about sex, what’s the first word that comes to mind? It’s likely that your answer is based off of how you were raised to regard sex; the definition that was handed down to you. I was raised in a traditional, catholic household, attended private, catholic school every my entire life, and only missed ten Sunday masses before the age of 18. I had a single definition. This heterosexual definition was shushed and quieted, and I grew up with the understanding that you don’t talk about sex, even when you have really pressing questions. Even more than that, you just don’t do it.
As I passed through adolescence there seemed to be some dissonance between reality and the narrative I had inherited. It took me far too long, as I think it takes a lot of young women (and men) far too long, to accept that having sex, and I mean sex in all of its definitions, is acceptable and free of shame.
In the culture I’ve grown up in, it seems that American culture either shames sex as a taboo or exploits and denigrates it. It’s either “sex sells!” or “abstinence is key” but very infrequently is it, “sex is beautiful, libido is natural, and here’s how to be healthy about it.” We’re caught between the two extremes of a paradigm, with no room for a happy medium. Individuals are left without a healthy model to look to.
Honestly, sex is beautiful! I fully believe it. Not only is it (for a lot of people) literally the most natural impulse, but it’s also the ultimate expression of an inner sacredness that is completely singular to you. It’s not dirty (well it can be, if that’s what you’re into, which is also beautiful) and it’s not something to look down on—no matter with who, with what, or where you do it. No matter if you have one partner, several partners, no partners, or you’re getting to know yourself as a partner. In all of these ways sex is good so long as you are comfortable and feel safe in however you are participating. It strikes me every time I hear the word “slut” used in a serious, derogatory way and I used to be a part of it as well. I’ve used the word and I’ve been the receiver of the word. The crazy thing is that most often it’s directed from one woman to another. It’s an unnecessary waste of energy to cut another woman down simply because she likes to get it on. In the words of my roommate, “Some people have a lot of it, and some have none, and some dabble a bit here and there.” And all of them are okay.
Finding a healthy relationship with sex is so convoluted, no matter how you identify. In fact, trying to come up with an adjective that describes finding that healthy relationship is convoluted. I mean, was it challenging, or maybe filled with ups and downs, or “a good time?” It was just damn confusing. Between figuring out how to do certain activities, to doing them for the right reasons, to finding a worthy partner, to feeling the worth of oneself, how could it not be convoluted? And the whole time it felt like a part of me that I had to hide, to not talk about without feeling gross. We feel like we can’t talk about it when we have sex for the wrong reasons. When we do it to please someone because we’re trying to figure out how to love ourselves. When we have questions about masturbation, especially as women. When we don’t feel comfortable about doing something and aren’t sure how to voice it. When we have an incredible experience with someone we love and we just want to share it. When we orgasm multiple times because the female body is amazing! There definitely are places, conversations, relationships with friends or others, that allow for these topics to be talked about in a respectful and healthy manner, but they are few and far between.
My point is, that a healthy relationship with sex involves masturbation (if you want to), a positive self image (both bodily and mental), messing up and finding your groove and communicating that groove. It involves figuring out how much sex you want in your life, and however many people you want to be a part of it. The basis of our own sexual exploration is defining exactly what sex is and means to you, however you want to figure that out. But regardless of how we figure it out, our journey in doing so and the destination should never involve judgment or shame.
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