TW: This article discusses specific stories and experiences of eating disorders, disordered eating patterns, weight, body image, body insecurities, etc.
When I set out to write an article for National Eating Disorder Week, I knew I wanted to write something that would truly show people that they are not alone. Because I know that even if we “know” that others are struggling with similar situations, we don’t really know. Meaning, we can be told over and over again that what we’re going through is something that so many others go through and yet still feel so isolated and alone.
I decided that, since I cannot even begin to tackle the discussion alone, I would create an anonymous Google Form with questions that would help gather some people’s experiences with eating disorders, disordered eating, and body image issues and then post it on Facebook in hopes that it would reach a few people. I had no idea I would receive response that I did.
Reading through the dozens of responses I received on this form has been heartbreaking and heartwarming, familiar and unfamiliar, surprising and yet expected. In other words, it really did help to capture the vastness of our stories while still forming a particular collective narrative.
I can feel the pain in these people’s words, but I can also feel the joy. I can feel the struggle and the resilience, the suffering and the recovery. It’s all there, in almost every response. And I was shocked to find that not only did people articulate similar experiences and insecurities and strengths, but they also articulated them in alarmingly similar ways, even occasionally using the same exact words to describe their feelings.
I didn’t realize that in completing this project, I would be reaffirming something that I wasn’t even entirely sure existed when I started. I didn’t truly know that there were other people out there dealing with the same things I have dealt with, and I didn’t know they would be willing to talk about it.
But thankfully, they were. Hopefully, their responses can help someone else in the way they’ve helped me. I have been struggling to think of way to write this article in my own voice, but I think the best way to articulate what these people have experienced is to allow their voices to speak for themselves. So I have listed my questions below and some of the incredible, diverse, strong, enlightening responses I have receieved.
Have you ever struggled with patterns of disordered eating (anything that deviates from consuming food when hungry and having the ability to stop when full)?
“This summer I would excessively work out and eat less than 500 calories a day and take laxatives almost every night. I lost 20 pounds and got a lot of complements but was MISERABLE.”
“Yes, stress eating during exams. Once it was so bad I was literally crying as I was eating because I couldn’t stop and felt so ill.”
“Sometimes I can’t eat no matter how hungry I am.”
“My high anxiety in my early childhood kept me from having an appetite, and I grew up looking very malnourished. People thought I was anorexic, but it wasn’t intentional. It was just my childhood response to a dysfunctional family.”
“Yes, I had a mental list of foods that I could and could not consume. I would spend hours playing basketball and then go home and workout. My number one fear was gaining weight—and I thought about it CONSTANTLY. And when I say constantly, I mean those thoughts never stopped. I couldn’t sleep. I developed my diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder—which happens to have a big correlation with ED. My disordered eating patterns controlled my thoughts and consumed my days.”
“Deliberately not packing snacks for the 10-hour day ahead of me.”
“Once I start eating, I cannot stop until my stomach hurts.”
“Yes. I used to starve myself and exercise excessively. I would also not be able to eat certain foods without feeling ashamed or sick.”
“Yes, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, Body Dysmorphia, and Bulimia.”
“Yes, restricting, binging, exercise bulimia, calorie counting, hiding food/wrappers, chewing and spitting, drinking excessive amounts of water/coffee/diet soda.”
If you have been diagnosed with an eating disorder or have struggled with disordered eating, what have you done to start overcoming these issues or coming to terms with them as a part of a lifelong struggle?
“Talk to friends, have them help me talk through what is going through my head rather than just continue with disordered eating as a coping mechanism.”
“Pinpointing the cause and seeking treatment for underlying mental struggles and trauma, like force-feeding at a young age when I was hardly ever hungry.”
“Finally opening up to my mom and friends about my disordered eating and my constant thoughts about gaining weight and what I could and could not eat. From there, I went to my general physician where I had my blood drawn to look at my levels. I became established with a therapist (sounds scary—but I leave EVERY session with this mind-set of “there is nothing I can do. I’m on top of the world!!” even if I spent that entire session bawling my eyes out). And I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and put on medicine to help. Try to remember that meds help, but talking and working through my triggers and how to manage my thoughts was what saved my life. Opening up to my friends and family and allowing that conversation of the important of mental health was a big step. It was awesome to know that my family and friends were there to support me and it helped knowing that even when I felt so alone—there was someone I could turn to.”
“I’ve been to all levels of treatment—hospitalization, IP, residential, PHP, IOP, outpatient.”
I was admitted into inpatient, then did an 16-week out patient program. From there, it has absolutely been a lifelong struggle. It is important for survivors to know that relapse is normal and to really form strong and positive coping strategies with the help of your support system and therapist. Also, I felt that it was important for me to learn that my eating disorder has evolved and changed over time but is very much present and important to be aware of.”
“Therapy, nutritionist, journaling.”
“I try to gain knowledge by reading about [eating disorders], spreading awareness, following healthy exercise techniques, practicing self-love, praying and meditation, and advocating for diversity.”
“In high school, a friend of mine went into treatment for Bulimia. When she explained to me that she has been binging/purging, I broke down, thought I was the only one. After telling my parents, who did not understand, it took time for them to realize I needed help. I found outpatient therapy. I was abstinent for years until depression and undiagnosed hypothyroidism triggered binging/purging. After another few years, I again sought out an outpatient treatment program. It continues to be a daily struggle.”
“I went to counseling, yet the counseling I went to was forceful and didn’t help. Eventually, my family helped me through the issue. It’s sometimes hard to find the right counselor to help with your personal issues.”
“Trying to introduce positive self-talk into my daily life, reminding myself that relapsing isn’t failing, and working on having a consistent routine in which help me feel more positive about myself and my body.”
What about your body makes you the most insecure?
Almost half of the people who filled out the form mentioned that their stomach makes them the most insecure. Other common ones were arms and underarms, thighs and legs, and hips. People also mentioned their cellulite, waists, hips, “love handles,” heights, weights, skin disorders, and facial features like cheeks. Some even said their entire body is an insecurity for them.
What are you doing to learn to love your body, including the parts that make you insecure?
“I try to look in the mirror and have my first thought be something positive about a part of my body that I would change. Over time, it became a little easier to be able to have that first thought be positive, so then I started listening more to the positive thoughts instead of the negative thoughts.”
“It still sticks with me when people comment on my body. Just recently, I wore a tighter shirt than usual and was told by a trusted friend that they ‘just want to force feed me a donut’ and I felt like I was 10 again. My arms are still very skinny despite gaining weight everywhere else, so that must’ve been it. I know I’m healthy now and take care of my body, but I avoid wearing tight clothes and bringing any attention to my body as much as possible. The fact I know I eat well now has helped me a lot. I do light exercise once a week, I eat healthier than most—and good amounts. And I tell myself it’s okay to be thin. I have curves now that I thought i’d never get that I really take pride in! Not like I really show them to anybody besides myself though haha”
“It changes with the days, but when I feel a certain part of my body is making me feel insecure, then I remind myself mentally, through positive affirmations, that I am beautiful—way further than just my body, but also soul. It helps to tap into my coping skills to feel more secure as I journal, pray, and workout.”
“I practice self affirmations almost daily, and I actively ignore and counter the negative voice in my head with positive reinforcement.”
“Taking time to look in the mirror and appreciate my body and all that it’s gotten me through.”
“I am working to appreciate all my body does for me, gain further knowledge, wear clothes that make me feel confident, and work out properly while also eating foods that are good nutrients for my body. It is an act of self-love rather than self-shame.”
“I wear clothes that I’m most comofortable in, not just what’s in style. I work out when I want and not force myself to, so that I feel good.”
“Working on acceptance, not necessarily love.”
“It is definitely a work in progress, but I am beginning to find the beauty in my identity and in my appearance. I don’t have to look like someone I find beautiful, because everyone is beautiful in their own way.”
What do you love about yourself—both physically and intellectually/emotionally?
“My ability and desire to care for other people, my hair, my smile, my intelligence, my conscientiousness, my attempt to always stay positive (not great at it when it comes to myself but working on it)”
“I’m observant and pick up on things quickly. I’m also very thoughtful and empathetic.”
“I like my eyes and my hair, my aloof yet humorous personality, and my brain that’s capable of a lot. I need to stop seeing my depression and anxiety as hindrances to my potential and capabilities because I don’t give myself enough credit for just getting through every day and doing the little things—like getting better about my self-care and taking more time to myself.”
“My introspective tendencies and ability to self-actualize.”
“I pride myself in being 100% supportive. I don’t care what your opinion is on a topic because what I think is best for me might not be best for you. So I’ll support you and the opinion that you have.”
“I am resilient. I am fun. I am a good listener.”
“I love my eyes, my booty, my smile, my attitude, my wit, ambition, resilience, and empathy for my loved ones.”
“My resilience, empathy, compassion, and I’m a great cook.”
“I love that I am funny, creative, and kind. I love my motivation to change.”
“Cheesy, but I love my smile (4 years of braces did pay off). I love that I like to learn new things, not to be the smartest but because I want to be educated about things happening in the world today.”
“For my age (70) I am very healthy. I have a robust cardio-vascular system, great resistance to illness, and never get headaches. I also still have excellent mental and visual acuity, still capable of learning, and seldom if ever have memory lapses. Emotionally, I know who I am, and proud of it.”
“I love that I was able to overcome something this difficult and be able to talk about it now. I am a confident person and confident with my body and mind, but it took a lot to get here.”
“I am so smart, I’m beautiful, and I’m really funny (well, I think i am).”
“My boss-ass ability to read the room and act as a leader accordingly.”
“I am a giving, caring person who advocates for others. I do love my smile and eyes. Recently I stopped dying my hair and am loving the natural gray.”
“I accept others for who they are.”
“I love my resilience! With an ED, I’ve had so many days where I feel like completely giving up and have made the decision to start the next day in a positive mindset.”
What can be done to change the social and cultural environment that damages body image?
“Better representation in media of folk of all sizes (obvious but SO important). Literally just seeing pics of Selena Gomez not being stick thin but people still gassing her up makes me feel so much better about myself. Seeing my peers think so positively about their bodies even if they’re not the ‘norm’ is amazing.”
“People should not see it as their business to comment on other people’s bodies!! And eating should never feel forced or pressured.”
“Continue to have mannequins and models be of typical size, work with magazines and stop air brushing photos, work to stop hazing and bullying, continue to create dialogue and groups that are dedicated to safe spaces to talk and meet people.”
“Acknowledging that people of ANY gender, age, ethnicity, etc. can and do struggle with body image.”
“How women talk to other women and also how women talk about other women when they are not present. It is damaging to hear women talk poorly about one another. I find it helps to tap into body positivity and a freedom of choice lifestyle, especially in the world of food.”
“Fair and equal representation of any and all body types, exposure of harmful diet culture, raising children to place their value in areas other than their appearance, removing the stigma surrounding eating disorders. I want to talk about it and advocate for people, but it’s not treated the same as depression/anxiety/other mental health disorders.”
“Encourage healthy eating and physical activity for the purpose of being a healthier person and not just to “lose weight” and acknowledge that different body types = different results.”
“Start celebrating other things with as much zeal as beauty. Steer the focus away from celebrities—such as movies, television, music, sports, and so on. Redirect marketing and advertising campaigns to support positive images.”
“The stigma of medicine and counseling needs to be stopped because sometimes people think only ‘crazy’ people go to counseling, but the truth is, we all will need counseling sometime in our lives.”
“We need to value the uniqueness in ourselves and in others.”
Reading these people’s experiences has been freeing and empowering for me. I had people of both male and female gender identities, of all ages, from all locations, and of all walks of life offer me their stories. I saw myself in so many of their words but was also able to learn about experiences that I will likely never fully understand. Being able to see my own most closely-held thoughts—both the painful and the joyful ones—come from the voices of others was something I never thought I would have the chance to see. But seeing the responses of people who are likely my peers who are suffering from eating disorders is also important. And seeing the responses of people who have struggled with eating disorders in college, have begun healing, and are willing to share their stories with current college students who may be suffering now is also important. And seeing the responses of people who have completely different identities than me, including a 70-year-old man, is also important.
Anyone and everyone can suffer from these issues. Anyone and everyone can recover. Everyone has their different way of coping, of rising, of thriving.
To those who took the time to share their stories: thank you. I really don’t know how to thank you enough. You are powerful, you are radiant, you are beautiful and unique and so strong.
To everyone reading this: you are powerful, you are radiant, you are beautiful and unique and so strong.
And you are not alone.
Please, if you believe you or someone you know may need help, reach out to someone. Listed below are some resources specifically devoted to support, resources and treatment for eating disorders:
- Call (800) 931-2237 Monday-Thursday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. CT and Friday 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. CT
- Online chat function available on www.myneda.org/helpline
- For a crisis situation, text “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer
University Counseling Center at SLU:
- To schedule a counseling appointment, call 314-977-8255
- To schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, call the Student Health Center at 314-977-2323
- Appointments available 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday.
Missouri Eating Disorders Association: Treatment Resources Listings