In January, I will take a long flight across an ocean to a country I visited once when I was five years old. In January, I will explore a new city, learn a new language and eat new food. In January, I will leave all of my friends and family behind for what I know will feel like the longest three months of my life.
I am very privileged to have the opportunity to study in Madrid, Spain. My college, Saint Louis University (SLU), is unique in that it has a campus in another country, meaning scholarships and credits transfer between campuses. As soon as I heard that SLU had a campus in Spain, a country I visited and loved in my childhood, I knew I wanted to study abroad there. I consider myself someone who dives into adventures headfirst. I love new experiences and I often get bored when I do not try enough of them. But I am also someone deeply afraid of changing my routines (this makes for an inconvenient mix of personality traits). As I have jumped through all the hoops to acquire a student visa, housing, acceptance into the program and enough money to survive and explore, I have started to feel terrified. I am in the unfortunate position where the world is my oyster, but I hate how it tastes.
I have not heard many people talk about the negative aspects of study abroad programs, especially the emotional, social and logistical turmoil it creates. I am scared to leave home for so long, particularly because I will be across an ocean. I left home for college, but ultimately, I am two hours away from my family, and my mom is a phone call away from coming to save me. I am scared to leave behind my friends. I struggled to make friends my whole life, and I finally feel like I have found my people. However, they are not leaving St. Louis. I am afraid that when I return, they will no longer need me, and I will have to start over, alone. I am constantly afraid that something has gone wrong with my visa or the apartment I have booked. The anxiety feels near constant, all-consuming.
Good changes and good experiences are often accompanied by fear. I know this to be true. My family moved a lot when I was a kid, and in middle school, I left my school to attend a private school an hour away from me on scholarship. All of these changes made me who I am, and all of them have been for the best. I know that my upcoming study abroad experience will probably be the same way. I will come away with new knowledge, and I will come away a changed and growing person. That knowledge does not lessen the sickening pit in my stomach. Even though I am still scared, I developed a couple of coping mechanisms for myself that apply to a lot of the big changes and social anxieties in my life, and hopefully will help anyone else who needs a little boost in times of melancholy changes.
Talk to a Professional
The benefits of therapy are vast, and talking with my therapist made this big change a lot smoother. Online articles, books and student-led Q&As do not necessarily assuage all negative feelings, and while therapy has not been a solve-all for me, it gave me skills to process my emotions and to communicate my fears with the people I love. Therapy gives people the necessary skills to communicate about their feelings and the coping mechanisms to deal with them healthily. Therapy has given me mechanisms to deal with everyday anxieties, more serious panic attacks, depression, lack of motivation and fear of the future, along with much more. It addresses both the symptoms and the root causes of problems, making life a little easier to deal with.
Talk to your friends and loved ones
I am still working on this part, to be transparent. However, every time I have been honest with my friends about my fears, they do everything they can to make me feel more secure. Often, a comforting word or two from someone who means a lot to me works better than I expect.
Do not ignore the change
Oftentimes, change is inevitable. I am someone who has historically ignored all feelings, negative or positive, for the sake of my work and to quiet my brain. This usually ends with the emotions coming anyway, all at once and much, much bigger than they need to be. I have learned that ignoring change is perhaps the worst thing I can do.
Make a list of the positives
I also tend to think more about negative what-ifs than positive possibilities. I help myself combat this tendency by writing out a practical list of all the positive things that could happen, or even the positives that will absolutely happen. For example, some positives of going to Spain for me: I love to travel, I will get to explore a new city, I get to live in a cozy apartment with my boyfriend, I get to try new foods and restaurants and I have picked up a new language. It takes some force for my brain to think about the bright side, but I am willing to stare into a lightbulb if that is what it takes.
Find an outlet
When none of the other stuff works for me, I find an outlet. I have a lot of these. I exercise, I write, I read, I draw; anything physical or creative. I put my energy into something tangible and exhaustive, and I make myself slow down and sit with the hard stuff. Finding an outlet means I process in a productive and healthy way, instead of wallowing or panicking.
Changes Are Inevitable.
Change is inevitable, and it is hard. You graduate, you move, you grieve, you find your people. Life keeps moving, and even if it is an amazing change, sometimes you need skills to help you through it. Sometimes, you are given the world. It is your oyster and yours alone, but when you taste it, you desperately want to spit it out because you have figured out you do not like oysters all that much. Here are some of the ways I deal with the bad aftertaste, but even if it tastes bad, it is almost always worth trying it in the first place. I know that I will continue to try new things, and I hope you will too, even if it tastes kind of bad.