Writing this, I want to say something new and impressive. I want to search the borders of this unkempt mind for something stunning, witty and relatable. Something rhythmic, dynamic and telling. I feel like I hear an imaginary clock ticking or a foot tapping impatiently. Why does it feel like whatever I say won’t be good enough?
Already, another semester of pretending to know what I am doing. I am a junior English major who is often worried that I have nothing to say. I wll admit it, sometimes I’ve truly got nothing. I am starting another semester, looking at a blank page and reminding myself that I need to say something.
Why is it hard to say anything at all? In writing and otherwise?
I am always finding myself exceptionally and painfully burdened by my own heavy expectations. There is always a higher invisible standard to meet. For my entire life, I have felt this excruciating need to impress people. Everything with my name on it has to be perfect. Everything that comes out of my mouth needs to be important. Everything that anyone knows about me needs to be good.
I am also especially held back because I feel like my words are unlikely to be meaningful or important. I feel like I’m trying to find the “right” words; or, the words I think others want to hear. In doing that, I lose myself. I have to remind myself: finding the right words might mean using the wrong ones. I have learned that finding your own words, not dictated by just the “right” ones, is actually the most meaningful and important.
Not every statement or thought needs to have some deeper, underlying meaning; so, why do I need to impress others?
I think it definitely has something to do with being a woman constantly stifling a strong voice. I am not invulnerable. As a woman, especially, I am held to extremely high expectations. I cannot slip up. I have always felt like I needed to say something good and strong because otherwise, I was a waste of time or a disgrace. I will rather say nothing at all than potentially be seen as less than.
“Wow, she actually talks?” My classmates would snidely say at my high school when I finally had something to say. That always made me wonder if my voice even mattered.
I am a quiet person. I speak when I’m spoken to. But that does not mean I cannot be loud. Sometimes, I want to be excruciatingly and terribly loud.
I did not fall in love with writing just because I was good at it. I fell in love with it because I could express myself freely, loudly and greedily. I liked how in writing, my existence informed everything. My words strung together made something that reflected those quieted parts of me. I made my voice matter. I could see myself on the page and be praised for it. I could finally take pride in finding something to say and saying it.
So, what am I trying to say here? Now?
I know how hard it is to always want to say something important. In reality, it’s okay, even freeing, to say nothing important at all. The empowering force of being uniquely yourself on the written page does not need to be impressive. It can be simple, crafted poorly and all over the place. Just say something. It can be loud, obnoxious and easily overlooked. Say something.
Life is too short to trick yourself into believing everything you say is meaningless. The words we use, choose and enact have meaning. They affect others.
I am tired of feeling like I have to say something important all the time. So, I have decided to say something about it.