Over the last couple of weeks, even before the end-of-semester crunch time, the vibe around campus has been… stressed. Maybe I am biased because it has been a hectic time for me. Still, even after asking around and observing other students, I have noticed a general demeanor of crunch time manifesting: the eyebags are sagging, the energy drinks are being sipped and the closing time exodus at the library is swelling.
Even the typically chipper students have nothing more than a grunt for professors when they say hello. Spring semester always flies by, especially after spring break, and the lead-up to Easter break is especially intense. But I have noticed that, even though most people are feeling like this, we have a hard time talking about it honestly. This reflects a larger trend of hesitancy to be honest.
I am really grateful that I grew up in a time when the phrase “it’s OK not to be OK” is widely used. I see this phrase all over the place: stickers on laptops, signs around campus, t-shirts and social media. Knowing that public acknowledgement of mental health struggles was not common in even my parents’ generation, I feel lucky to be part of a generation that is more supportive and open about this topic.
However, I worry that this acceptance does not go much further than stickers and t-shirts. If you passed a friend walking down West Pine and they asked you how you were, you probably would reply “Good, how are you?” or “I’m fine” or something like that, regardless of how you are actually feeling. We have grown so accustomed to these interchanges that the social scripts we have for them have become nothing more than that: scripts to follow.
What would it be like to reply honestly? And this goes beyond the times when we are not doing well. When was the last time you were having a great day and told someone as much when they asked? Sometimes it is easy to see people who reply like this as overly positive, and we interpret their response as breaking social customs. But I think we should value this honesty, regardless of their reply.
By being more open and thoughtful in our replies to the question “how are you,” we would be more open to becoming a more connected community. I feel more connected to people when they tell me something other than “good” or “fine” when I ask them this question. Even if it is a fun synonym, like “splendid” or “great,” I will even settle for a “well.” These more specific interchanges prompt more conversation. If someone tells you they are having a good day, you can share in their joy by hearing about it and asking more.
In a sense, agreeing to the social script or nicety of asking someone how they are doing means that you are opening yourself up to their response, too. If you do not actually care, then maybe you should not ask in the first place. Thus, if someone is honest with you and shares that they are not doing well, you should be open to listening to them, should they choose to share more. If you do not want to have a conversation like this and are simply using “how are you” as a filler word in passing, consider saying something else, like “have a nice day,” “good to see you” or even something specific like “happy Friday!”
If someone shares that they are not having a good day, it is neither of your jobs to do something about that. Simply listening is all that is required. Something I have heard a lot the past couple of weeks, when I have been honest about not doing well, is “let me know if you need anything.” While on the surface this seems like a supportive reply, it could be hurting more than helping.
When someone is going through a rough time, putting the burden on them to ask for what they need from you may be putting pressure on them that they do not know how to deal with. Essentially, you could be adding another thing to their list of stress and busyness. This reply takes the responsibility off of you as a friend to be supportive, and it puts it on them to know how to communicate their needs in a tough time. How often do you actually take people up on this offer? I rarely do, and if I do, it is usually in a joke (can you stop time for me? Can you teach me to teleport? Can you bring me a puppy?). When I share that I am not doing the best, I am not trying to tell people that I need their help to get better; I am just being honest and letting them know my emotional state.
The best thing you can do for your friends who are open and honest in their replies is to be the friend you already are for them. That includes acquaintances; if you do not know them well, saying “I am sorry to hear that” is more than enough. But if you know your friend likes hugs, hug them. If your friend delights in chocolate bars, buy them one. If you know your friend loves to rant, lend a listening ear. Oftentimes, that is all I need to start feeling better. Knowing that I have people who genuinely care about me, not just out of social nicety, makes me feel supported and loved.
If we are all more honest about this, and if we try to build a community that does not shy away from hearing that people are struggling, we will all be better off. So, while it is always OK not to be OK, it is also OK to be honest when you are not OK. The people who care about you will be there to listen and support you, whatever that looks like.