I have always been the one to say “yes” and agree to whatever people ask of me, whether it is doing more work for group projects, going out with friends when I was planning on staying in or going along with the ideas of others and never voicing my own opinions. On the outside, people like myself may seem kind, helpful and easy-going, but in reality this lifestyle is emotionally draining. Constantly worrying about the needs of others and feeling like you must please everyone puts your personal growth and goals on hold. Before you step back into people-pleasing tendencies, here are some important ideas to reflect on.
You Are Valued and Your Opinions Matter
The urge to please others can stem from low self-esteem and insecurities, making one feel the need to prove oneself to others and be liked by them. This is something I struggled with for years until I realized I will still be loved and valued even if I do or do not do something. I would always follow the crowd and the opinions of others. I also believed that if I disagreed with someone they would think I was weird or automatically dislike me. This only deepened the lack of self-confidence and love I had for myself. I didn’t realize that my thoughts and opinions were important and people really did want to hear them. Your ideas bring so much to the table and deserve to be shared.
To help me with this reminder, I like to imagine myself in the shoes of someone else. If another person told me they could not do something I asked, or they gave me a second opinion, I would not think anything of it. People-pleasers like myself tend to think too much of what others think of them when there is no need.
It is Not Selfish to Put Yourself First
Your own mental and physical health should be your top priority, so it is okay to help yourself before doing things for others. I know it’s difficult to say “no,” but you will start to lose yourself and your goals when you are constantly focused on other people. I would find myself coming up with elaborate excuses to justify why I could not go through with something. This would make me feel terrible and anxious that my lie would be discovered. Instead of dodging questions, be upfront with your feelings and set boundaries for yourself. For example, one strategy that I have been enforcing is completing my to-do list before going out with my friends. Setting boundaries is difficult when you want to put others before yourself, but they are necessary if you want to achieve your own goals and be in control.
Moving Forward
Changing your way of thinking and how you go through life may seem impossible, but it can be done in time. Give yourself the chance to reflect on yourself and your needs. It is important to understand that you can’t do everything for everyone and yourself. Yes, others are very appreciative of what you do for them, but you are not the necessary part that holds their lives together. Protect your energy and remember how much value you and your opinions have.
Being a people-pleaser comes with many challenges that can affect everyday life, but implementing new habits everyday will bring positive changes and healthy thoughts.