I can hear the sound of my heartbeat; it fills the room, taking over the silence. It echoes in my ears; the only other sound is the exhale of my breath. I can see the shadows of my furniture in the dark. The desk, my lamp, a lone shirt on the floor. I can feel the sheets around me laying limply on my lap. The soft cotton texture beneath my fingertips as I run my hands absent-mindedly over the fabric. I can taste the salt of my tears that linger on the edge of my lips as I lick the dry, cracked skin.
I am alone. Locked in by the overwhelming nothingness that consumes my being. Completely consumed by the silence and the darkness. In the quiet, my heart cries out and my mind races faster as the silence only eggs it on.
They chant together as a silent promise: “alone, alone, alone.” For it is in this promise that my soul has decided that it is simply too complex to be understood. That the pain that it conceals will mar my skin and make me unworthy of love. That alone by choice is better than by rejection.
“Stay alone, stay alone, stay alone.”
My mind shouts louder and louder, but my heart cries for something else. It shrivels into sorrow with the crushing feeling of loneliness taking its toll on these tender spots. The soft edges aching for connection, understanding, love. It hopes to be heard but is met with the darkness. The longer it waits, the harder it gets and the quieter its voice becomes. The aching grows larger and stronger, and it continues to fight.
This battle occurs within me. Leaving me to sit in the dark. To stare at the shadows and the outlines in the blackness of the night. Soundless tears leaving trails on the rounds of my cheeks. The only comfort is the warmth of the soft blanket I fist.
But then a soft knock comes from the door.
Light pours in, streaming beams around the room. Someone enters. A friend, a person, someone who is always in my corner. The bed dips as they take a seat. A hand reaches up and wipes the tear left hanging on my chin and whispers:
“You are not alone.”
And the battle has been won, and everything is calm.