Have you ever noticed that when you open social media, you get a video on your FYP of a woman who immediately says, “Excuse my appearance…” and then explains why she looks like a ‘wreck’ before she gets to the point of the video? Ever visited a friend’s or family member’s house and had their mother apologize for how they look because they have been busy cleaning or haven’t had time to change? Have you pointed out a pimple you have or mentioned how bloated you are in hopes that you are making people aware that you already know something about you doesn’t look perfect? This is called a pre-emptive apology, which is really a form of self-defense. If you point out the flaw first, no one else gets to “discover” it and judge you for it.
The “excuse my appearance” video is often not actually a mess. The apology can be a way of signaling to the viewers that “Hey! I know the standard; I just happen to be failing it today.” A mom apologizing for how she looks while hosting is often a woman who has been working all day, caring for people, and cleaning. She’s apologizing for the evidence of her labor. What does it mean that we think it’s normal to apologize for looking like we’ve been doing things?
I think, because of societal norms, pressures, and standards, women feel they have to announce their imperfections and apologize for looking bad because of the extremely high standards we are supposed to meet, and because we get so nervous that someone else will point it out. We are exposed every day to filters, “Get Ready With Me” videos, and “It Girl” routines that make a polished baseline look normal. We have beauty and wellness industries that profit from us feeling like we need to fix something about our appearance. We’ve grown up with the idea that a woman’s appearance is treated as public information, so any “flaw” feels like something we owe an explanation for.
Even when I am hanging out with my friends, I always find a way to bring up the fact that I am breaking out, because I have this feeling that if I tell them, they will realize that I am aware of it, and somehow it makes it less embarrassing. But these are my literal friends; they don’t care. When one person says, “Ugh, I look terrible,” others feel pressured to reassure them or start listing their own flaws. Group chats and friend hangouts can turn into rounds of mutual self-criticism.
Why is this so bad? This small, almost unnoticeable thing reinforces to others (especially younger girls watching) that a natural face or body needs an apology, and it trains people to notice flaws they never would have noticed, so your announcement can actually draw attention to it. So, how can we change it?
- Notice the urge and pause before announcing the flaw, then think about one thing you like about yourself and give yourself a compliment instead.
- Swap the apology for a neutral statement, or just skip it.
- Compliment others on something other than appearance.
- Try showing up somewhere without the disclaimer and see what happens… it will most likely go unnoticed.
These little tips can help you step outside without feeling like your appearance needs a reason. Try a day or week of not apologizing for how you look and report back to yourself honestly!