TRIGGER WARNING: Depression
Not all depressed individuals lie in bed all day with their lights off and their curtains drawn in. Some of them can wake up at 7AM and try their best to make the most out of a productive day.
There are multiple types of depression in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM-5, but the main ones that you might have heard of are
- Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)
- Bipolar Disorder
- Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), also known as dysthymia
Out of the three main types of depression, I was diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder, the most common type of depression for someone to be considered “highly functional.”
Unlike the type of depression where life is entirely difficult to live, people with PDD have a low mood on a long term day-to-day basis.
I wake up early on weekdays, workout, and try my best to have three meals a day. I even take six classes, have an internship, and a part time job. I’ll walk my dog, say hi to everyone I see, and depending on the day, I would even give out free stickers to my classmates as a token of appreciation for being great peers.
To many people, I am an exuberant individual that boosts community morale. My normal days are my best days and it makes me feel like a thriving individual.
There are also other days where I will not leave my bed and I avoid all contact with people. I skip class, stare at my walls, and feel like everything I’m living for is hopeless.
Then, there’s the in-between.
The in-between looks a little something like this: I wake up at noon and am late to almost every class. I take forever to debate whether I want to exercise or not, and I decide to skip meals. I’ll turn in my assignments late and I, for what seems like no reason at all, will passive-aggressively message my friends and family. These are my most common days, and it becomes a problem when someone compares my happy days to my “normal” high-functioning depression days.
Because I message my friends and family through indirect anger, I’m seen as mean. Since I get up late and turn in overdue assignments, I’m seen as irresponsible and lazy. That’s the thing about having PDD and being highly-functioning.
I am seen as a person who is “sad” only sometimes. The truth is, I am in a low mood all the time. Some days are harder than others. Some days, I’ll wake up highly spirited, then later that same day I will feel a sudden shift in my mood. That joyful Mary Kay at 10AM is now a cranky, uninviting individual at four in the afternoon.
It would be helpful for people to understand that a lot of us with dysthymia try our best to live a normal life despite what we feel inside.
Living a completely normal life is exhausting. Most people wouldn’t second guess getting out of bed at some point, but as someone with high-functioning depression, making this small decision takes a huge toll on my mental power.
It’s not just one or two decisions I think about making, it’s hundreds of them every day. Normal things like deciding to shower, eat, or reply to my text messages.
Days where it’s hard to make actionable decisions turns me into a zombie. I hear white noise. I feel numb and it makes it hard for me to concentrate.
Along with others, PDD has convinced me that I’m weak and lazy. I question whether I don’t want to do something because it’s hard for me to actually battle through my illness to do it or if I’m just plain old lazy. This mental illness kicks my self-worth.
People without PDD just don’t get it, and maybe they never will. The other day I was having a pensive conversation with myself about the possibility of having undiagnosed ADHD, then I remembered my crippling side effects of dysthymia.
I probably have a lot of potential but unfortunately living with persistent depressive disorder will either prompt me to not display my greatness or it’ll disable me from reaching the best that I can be. I could only think about all of the opportunities I’ve missed because of the depressive voice I decided to follow in my head.