In 2025, dating often feels like a pattern of small talk, love bombing, and ghosting. However, there’s usually a deeper pattern behind the dating process: your attachment style. Attachment theory breaks down how we form emotional bonds based on our early experiences.
These styles could range from secure, anxious, avoiding, and disorganized, and they can shape the way we text, date, and commit.
Secure attachment styles are comfortable with intimacy and independence, and they are honest about their needs, which builds balanced and trusting relationships. Anxious styles often crave closeness and reassurance, and they fear abandonment.
They were also hyper-tuned to their partner’s moods. An avoidant attachment style values self-sufficiency, keeps emotional distance, and also shies away from deep talks.
Lastly, the disorganized attachment style is indecisive between wanting closeness, but also fearing feelings of hurt; their behavior swings between clinginess and withdrawal.
To better understand how attachment styles show up in relationships, I spoke with some of my friends, and each of them has a unique emotional blueprint when it comes to romantic relationships.
Anxious + Secure Attachment Style
A friend that I met in my freshman year of college described her attachment style as a mix of anxious and secure. She mentions how in past relationships she used to spiral from a small sign of distance, and if someone didn’t respond, she would immediately assume they were mad or wanted to leave.
However, in her current relationship, she feels different. She’s learning to recognize when her anxious thoughts take over and how to slow them down. She reminds herself that they have not changed just because they’re busy, and she also tries to check in with herself before jumping to conclusions.
She finds that all communication with her partner has been the key to finding more balance. She doesn’t feel that the anxiety goes away completely, but she doesn’t let it ruin the whole relationship anymore.
A friend that I met in my Her Campus chapter, whom I spoke to, also identifies with the combination of the anxious and secure attachment style. In earlier relationships, anxiety ruled her reactions. She thought that she needed constant reassurance and would send many texts if she didn’t get a response right away, and felt panicked.
However, through therapy and self-reflection, she was able to process her feelings in a healthier way. In our relationship, she’s been more intentional about how she communicates. If she’s feeling a little bit anxious, she’ll ask if she can talk with them.
She mentioned how it’s scary sometimes; however, she learned that people can’t support you unless you tell them how to.
Secure Attachment Style
A friendship that I’ve had since high school has been in only one relationship (and is still in it); however, it’s been very steady and reassuring. She mentions how she used to think relationships were supposed to be dramatic to be real.
However, with her boyfriend, she feels the relationship is very peaceful, and they just trust each other. She says that the security in her relationship comes from mutual respect and clear boundaries.
She also mentions how they talk about what they need and there’s no second-guessing or chasing, which makes the relationship work and beautiful.
Formerly Avoidant, Now Moving Toward Secure Attachment
A childhood friend of mine says her attachment style used to be avoidant. She mentioned how she would bail before things go too deep, and the idea of depending on someone felt unsafe. However, under the surface, she craved intimacy, but she didn’t know how to ask for it.
She would overthink everything and assume her partner didn’t like her, and it made communication impossible. However, in her current relationship, she’s been working on showing up differently.
She mentioned how they talk about their needs and if something’s off, they check in with each other. It’s taking some time; however, she’s finally feeling safe in love.
So… Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
The short answer is yes: with time and intention. It isn’t set in stone, and it’s when we recognize our patterns and choose to change, we can slowly rewire how we relate to relationships.
Having self-awareness and noticing what activates you is important to know what you’re feeling and how to change that behavior to a healthy one. It’s also important to have honest and respectful communication even when it’s uncomfortable.
After talking to my friends, they reminded me that we’re all working in progress and that no one has it completely figured out, and that’s okay.
Regardless of your attachment style, what matters is being willing to grow because the goal isn’t perfection; it’s the connection that feels honest and safe.
What is your attachment style? Are you one attachment or a blend of many? Let us know @HerCampusSJSU!