Needy, by Ariana Grande. It’s one of my favorite songs because of how closely I relate to and feel every lyric.
Needy, it’s also one of my greatest fears. Pushing the one I love away over time because I ask for too much.
Anxious attachment: you have a strong desire for intimacy combined with doubts and abandonment anxiety. While it may seem simple, it is so much more than this 13 word definition. My anxious attachment forces me to care and love for others so deeply, that I often forget to love myself. I don’t put myself first. As a people pleaser, I find myself constantly apologizing and bending over backwards to accommodate others’ needs.
I overanalyze everything, and when I say everything I mean every single thing. When I’m left on delivered for a long time, I feel my chest tighten, and when I am by my partner’s side I feel sunshine and rainbows. I crave an intense need for validation and reassurance from my partner. I’m the type of person to drop everything for them. I feel emotions deeply.
I often show love the way I want to be loved. I have no control over my emotions and reactions to external events. I am constantly feeling triggered. I am constantly in fight or flight mode. If you resonate with most if not all of these, congratulations you have anxious attachment.
I think the question that haunts us anxiously attached ones in the middle of the night is, “Am I too needy, or are my needs not being met?”. If I’ve learned anything it’s that, you are as needy as your unmet needs.
Each and every one of us are different human beings, meaning we ought to have different needs to feel loved. Anxiously attached people tend to have a bigger void to fill to be understood. These needs often revolve around the desire for reassurance, affection, and emotional support. Our mind can be a whirlwind of conflicting emotions – one moment craving closeness and validation, and the next consumed by fear of rejection and abandonment.
All in all, we just want to be understood because we are still trying to understand ourselves. We recognize that it is hard for ourselves to be going through this, but it can also be hard for our partners to truly understand us.
Here are some things us anxiously attached people wish our partners understood, and how to navigate that as the partner of the anxiously attached. The information presented below is based on the book, “How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style” by Eye Mind Spirit.
What anxious attachment wish their partners understood:
- “ I only freak out because I’m overwhelmed with the fear of losing you.”
- “ Any feelings that seem irrational to you, feel very real to me.”
- “ I need a little extra validation because I always feel like I’m a burden.”
- “ I appreciate words of affirmation because it quiets the noise in my head.”
- “ I tend to overanalyze things you say or do because I worry that you’ll leave.”
- “ Sometimes I just need to be heard and comforted.”
- “ The fact that you’re trying to understand my attachment style as I work on healing means the world to me.”
How to comfort an anxious attachment style:
- “ Check in with a text- it can make their day.”
- “ Express your love for them- words of affirmation can help ease their anxiety.”
- “ Tell them about your day and show genuine interest in theirs.”
- “ Understand that they only panic because they fear losing you.”
- “ Little acts of kindness go a long way.”
- “ Resolve small conflicts as soon as possible- when you dont they mentally spiral.”
- “ Build trust by just being consistent and there for them.”
Everyone is bettering themselves in one way or the other. Taking that first step to healing is the hardest step – recognition and realization. Realizing and recognizing that you need to build your way to becoming more secure with yourself.
To become content with yourself, you should start by loving yourself first. Easier said than done, I know. It doesn’t happen overnight, but as long as you’re actively trying to build yourself up, that is all that matters. Realize that you can fill most of that void by prioritizing yourself.
Embracing self-love allows you to cultivate a sense of wholeness and security within yourself, freeing you from the constant need for external validation and reassurance. If you cannot love yourself first, it can be hard to feel satisfied in any relationship.
So, prioritize yourself, nurture your own well-being, and trust that in doing so, you pave the way for deeper, more fulfilling connections with others. The right person wouldn’t think that you’re too clingy, or you have too many expectations.
The right person wouldn’t make you feel needy. Instead, the right person would make you feel needed. They would, at the least, try to understand you as you work on healing.
How will you love yourself? Let us know @HerCampusSJSU.