Sometimes we’re surrounded by reminders of our own solitude, which can be especially true during the preparation for Valentine’s Day. It can feel like everyone, except us, is gleefully preparing flower bouquets for their partners, Galentine’s brunches for their friends, and handwritten cards for their families.
Maybe you’re one of those people who truly are surrounded by people to love. You have the friend group everyone dreams of, or you’re in a committed relationship that all your cousins envy.
That should be enough, right?
But still, when the chocolate box advertisements roll in and your coworkers start discussing date night plans, you suffer from an ironic loneliness each and every February.
Loneliness can grow heavy and seem like a life sentence. We may begin to feel hopeless. Is this isolation incurable? And if it is curable, are we even deserving or worthy of the love we seek?
You’ll be glad to know that loneliness can definitely be healed. But, in my opinion, it takes a combination of self-reflection and taking action in order to do so.
Self-Reflection: What is loneliness?
First, understand what loneliness is and isn’t.
It is: A state of mind.
It is not: A reflection of the physical presence of people in a person’s life. Loneliness does not require you to actually be alone. Likewise, social fulfillment does not require you to have all the love in the world.
It is: Undeniably tied to our physical and emotional wellness. When the absence of meaningful connection persists, we can fall into patterns of social anxiousness, self-isolation, validation-seeking, negative self-perception, cynicism, and more.
It is not: An isolated struggle. Ironically, you aren’t alone in your loneliness.
According to Dr. Stephanie Cacciopo, assistant professor of behavioral neuroscience and psychiatry, “One in three people in America is affected by loneliness, and one in 12 is affected severely.”
Self-Reflection: Accepting where you’re at.
Despite being such a universal experience, it can be strangely taboo to admit you’re lonely. Especially as a young adult in college, where forming friendships is supposed to be effortless.
But let’s be honest.
Making friends is rarely effortless. College can be insanely isolating. Loneliness is more common than we’d like to admit to ourselves and to others.
Self-Reflection: Why am I lonely?
Sometimes we don’t recognize the love we have in our lives. Sometimes we recognize it, but still don’t feel it. One reason for this is comparison.
When we scroll too long on social media, for example, we might begin to see other people with relationships that look vastly different from ours. Even if we were previously very content with our relationships, we may begin to doubt whether different people, different dynamics, and different social circles would make us happier.
Remember that other people’s ideas of successful relationships do not have to translate into your idea of a successful relationship. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others, but ultimately it’ll just make you feel more disconnected from what you want and what you already have.
Another reason you might be feeling lonely is maybe the people you’re surrounded by aren’t the people you would feel most fulfilled to be surrounded by.
For example, I’ve stuck around in friendships where our core values were completely misaligned. And despite sharing many other things, such as our favorite films and class schedules, I still felt intensely alone even when surrounded by these friends.
Only when I focused on forming connections that more closely aligned with my values did I feel fulfilled and happy in my relationships.
Taking Action
One way to meet people is to join a recurring club that aligns with your values, goals, and interests. Some ideas could be an environmentalist volunteer group, a book club, or a weightlifting class.
This way, you can pursue something you’re passionate about while meeting like-minded people. Exploring new hobbies are a great way to refocus your purpose onto something that is productive, playful, and self-directed; this is an especially good tip if you find yourself centering relationships and external validation to an unhealthily dependent extent.
Pro tip! Try to attend the majority of club meetings, because close proximity and familiarity are key ingredients to forming closer bonds with others.
Another way to work on your loneliness is to start a gratitude journal. Loneliness can make us feel pessimistic, so reflecting on what you’re thankful for could be a good start to overcoming the hopelessness of loneliness.
The things you express gratitude for can be as broad as your health, or as specific and seemingly insignificant as your favorite artist dropping a new single.
Also, never underestimate the power of different types of relationships. Often, people prioritize romantic relationships as the highest form of love. But there’s power in unexpected forms of love. For example, the humble acquaintanceship.
While there’s not much immediate depth to an acquaintanceship, they are meaningful building blocks in the larger scheme of community. They give us temporary glimmers of love and laughter in our daily lives.
They are proof that the wider humanity, beyond the people you are regularly intimate with, can still offer joy.
At this stage of your life, perhaps a collection of acquaintanceships is just what you need.
Quality need not always be prioritized over quantity. When you’re in a phase of social exploration, it can be nice to have a diverse network of surface-level connections.
Of course, when you enter a phase of life where you feel socially settled, keeping a small and close circle of companions is definitely fulfilling.
But acknowledge the value of all kinds of connections, especially because as we change through life, our social needs change with us.
Loneliness can be an umbrella of different feelings.
For example, feeling shame at wanting love when you cannot yet find and feel it in your life. Feeling like you’re not deserving of certain types of love. Sadness at not being able to share joyous or painful moments with others.
Worry that the isolation will persist. A fear of judgement. A fear of missing out.
Unpacking those feelings will only benefit you in the long run.
As we get closer to Valentine’s Day, remember that celebrating love includes self-love. And if you’re feeling particularly lonely this year, take this time to appreciate yourself and where you’re at in life right now.
How are you showing yourself love this February? Let us know at @HerCampusSJSU!