We talk a lot about sisterhood and women supporting women. But what happens when that support falls short? Sometimes, we find ourselves on either side of the very dynamics we criticize, judging other women, feeling judged by them or struggling to find community when we need it most.
Despite the messages of empowerment surrounding us, there’s still a disconnect between the sisterhood we celebrate and the relationships we experience.
What would it look like to close that gap, not by assuming we have all the answers, but by making space to listen?
Ask a Grown Woman is a space for those conversations. Rather than telling women how they should live, this column makes room for them to share how they have. Through the lived experiences of women professors at San José State Univeristy, we’ll explore the lessons they’ve learned, the challenges they’ve faced and the advice they’d offer to women navigating similar seasons of life.
Because sometimes, the most valuable advice doesn’t come from someone telling us what to do, but from hearing how someone else found her way.
Kylie Harrop St. John, a public relations professor at San José State University with more than seven years of experience in PR and marketing. From creating content herself to negotiating high-level brand partnerships, her career has given her a perspective on navigating professional relationships and advocating for herself.
The art of confidence
Harrop St. John learned the importance of independence at a young age. Her immediate family, including her parents and younger sister, were her main support system. Her mother instilled in her the importance of making her own decisions and speaking up for herself.
“I remember I was 11 and doing stuff like that, and wherever we went, I was barely old enough to talk and cognitively think and read a menu at a restaurant,” Harrop St. John said. “She would always say ‘all right, here you go, figure out what you want. If you don’t order it yourself, you’re not getting any food.”
From ordering her own food to navigating unfamiliar situations, Harrop St. John was encouraged to figure things out for herself. Those experiences helped her develop the confidence to work through challenges, speak up and seek answers when she didn’t know what to do.
“I think it’s given me a lot of confidence, honestly, because if I didn’t know something, I would figure it out, or I would find someone who knows how to do it and I’ll ask them questions about it,” Harrop St. John said.
Independence wasn’t about having every answer. It was about knowing what to do when she didn’t. Those early experiences taught her to take initiative, ask questions and seek out people who could help her.
“You should try to figure stuff out on your own, and then when you struggle, ask for help, ask for support, and don’t just struggle through and hope for the best,” Harrop St. John said.
Asking for help can feel uncomfortable when we’re used to figuring things out ourselves. But Harrop St. John believes there’s no reason to be ashamed of not knowing something. If someone looks down on you for asking for help, she says, that reflects on them, not you.
Learning to trust yourself means recognizing both what you can handle and when you need support.
Not everyone needs to get you
Despite growing up making decisions independently, she struggled with self-consciousness in high school. She worried about saying the wrong thing and how others might perceive her, often choosing to stay quiet rather than risk being misunderstood.
It wasn’t until her freshman year of college that she began to realize she didn’t have to prove herself to everyone around her.
The realization came through her experience with her roommate, whose lifestyle was the opposite of hers. While her roommate gravitated toward parties and the social scene, Harrop St. John preferred staying in and playing video games. Their differences often led to arguments, but the experience gave her an unexpected perspective.
Watching her roommate navigate college made Harrop St. John question how much importance she had been placing on other people’s perceptions. She began to realize that, just as she was focused on how others viewed her, they were likely preoccupied with their own lives, too.
“I just realized that she was so in her own mindset. She doesn’t even know anything about me. So, like, does anyone really care what I’m doing?” Harrop St. John said.
That realization helped her put things into perspective. She couldn’t control how other people perceived her, but she could decide how much power their opinions had over her.
“You know what you’re doing. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone else because you’re there for you and no one else.” Harrop St. John said. “As long as you know that and as long as you’re succeeding in what you’re doing, or at least trying, then who cares?”
Not everyone will understand your choices and you don’t need universal approval to be confident in them.
Stand your ground, girl
Learning not to let other people’s opinions define her was one part of building confidence. Her professional experiences would challenge her to put that confidence into practice, particularly when it came to advocating for herself.
In 2020, Harrop St. John was working for a company in the East Bay when budget cuts eliminated her position. Although she was still technically employed, she no longer had hours to work or earn money. She applied for unemployment, but her claims kept getting denied. After several unsuccessful attempts to resolve the situation with human resources, she decided to go directly to the CEO’s office and explain what was happening. Her unemployment was eventually approved.
The experience reinforced the importance of standing up for herself, especially when someone in a position of authority wasn’t treating her with respect. For Harrop St. John, being professional doesn’t mean having to be overly accommodating.
“You just need to meet people where they’re at, you don’t have to be overly nice because you feel as though you have to. You don’t. You were hired for a reason,” Harrop St. John said.
She credits her father, who has always encouraged her not to tolerate being mistreated, with helping her develop that mindset.
“I’m very lucky to have my dad who’s very ‘Don’t take shit from anyone‘ type of personality,” Harrop St. John said. “He really pushes me if someone is not treating me right, to reassess the situation, figure out where they stand and then go back at it with a different mentality.”
That advice has stuck with her, particularly when it comes to how women communicate in professional environments. Harrop St. John believes women can sometimes feel pressure to soften their words, apologize unnecessarily or make themselves smaller to avoid coming across the wrong way.
“How I look at it is when women apologize frequently, (you actually) make yourself small, you make yourself a target and you make yourself easy to get stepped on,” Harrop St. John said. “And that cannot happen because people will take advantage.”
There’s a difference between being respectful and feeling like you have to apologize for taking up space. You can communicate firmly, ask for what you need and expect to be treated with basic respect without compromising your professionalism.
Harrop St. John explains it, when women find themselves apologizing for something, it can help to consider whether they’d expect a man to do the same.
“So you have to stand your ground, you have to be firm, and you have to just go at it,” Harrop St. John said. “Just think of it like the same mentality as a guy, like would a guy apologize for this? Probably not, then don’t do it.”
Harrop St. John’s confidence wasn’t something she developed overnight. It grew through experiences that taught her to make decisions for herself, question how much weight she gave other people’s opinions and speak up when she wasn’t being treated fairly.
Her advice isn’t to have every answer or never care what others think. It’s to trust yourself enough to keep learning, ask for support when you need it and stand your ground when it matters.
Sometimes, growing into yourself means realizing you don’t have to prove your worth to everyone else.
What’s one piece of advice that helped you learn to trust yourself? Share it with us and tag @HerCampusSJSU!