Below is a spoken word piece that I wrote last semester for an event. Sadly, with everything that has happened, I never got to share it with its intended audience. Fortunately, I now have you all to share it with.
This Little Girl’s Prayer
This little girl’s prayer was consistent,
never changing.
She would squeeze her eyes shut and
fold her hands so tightly together that her
small, chubby fingers would turn red.
Red. Just like the flush that appeared
on her cheeks. These cheeks,
drenched in
hot,
feverish
tears.
Tears. These tears would
drip
and
fall,
drip
and
fall
endlessly like rain droplets
rushing down from a blue sky.
These tears, so abundant,
she could’ve formed her own personal ocean.
Ocean. An ocean of emotions waved through
her mind as she sat up in her bed
every night silently
praying,
begging
to Him for the thoughts to stop.
Stop. Oh how badly she wanted them to stop!
Those thoughts, the ones that
had been keeping her awake at night,
keeping her mind racing like
a race car speeding along a track.
Around and around and around
they went, you could’ve sworn
her name was Merry the way
those thoughts went
around
and
around.
These thoughts. So many twisted
up words and phrases that
little girls like her
should’ve never conjured up
on her own. Such nasty, ugly,
terrible thoughts to think
about one’s self.
God, why can’t I be beautiful?
Why do I have to look the way that I do?
Why am I the way that I am?
These are the questions this little girl
would ask God in between her
little girl sobs. Her little girl
lungs would reach out,
gasping for air as
her little girl heart would
tighten and grow weaker,
feeling as if it’s
blood was being wrung
dry by some
wicked,
evil hand.
This hand…was it insecurities?
Was it comparison?
Maybe it was
judgement,
assumption,
anxiety?
Or maybe it was
fear,
self-loathing,
sabotage,
and…and then maybe it
was just simply the
sadness of it all.
Please Lord, change me!
Make me somebody more interesting!
Make me more intelligent, more desirable!
God please I am too weak!
I want to be stronger.
I need to be stronger.
God please I am tired of crying!
I am tired of crying.
I am tired of crying.
Oh my God how I am so tired of crying and being weak and not loving myself!
That was this little girl’s prayer.
It was spoken far too many
nights then she’d like to admit.
However, this little girl’s prayer isn’t the same anymore.
It isn’t as consistent and it’s forever changing.
There aren’t as many tears or
as much begging and pleading.
This little girl’s prayer has
formed into this young woman’s
promise.
A promise to God that she can do better,
that she will do better.
She now recognizes that this journey is
treacherous
and
hard
and
frustrating
and sometimes seemingly impossible.
This young woman promises to
God that she won’t let Him
down, she won’t let her
loved ones down, ever again.
A promise to Him that she
will continue to fight against
all odds because ain’t that
what life’s all about?
Is life not a never-ending fight
for what you want?
for what you need?
Is it not a young woman’s promise to God?
Is it not a little girl’s prayer?