Heartbreak sucks. Period. There’s no better way to say it than that. Everyone knows someone who’s gotten their heart broken, knows someone who’s broken someone’s heart, and/or knows firsthand what it feels like. Love is the key to having a happy heart, but sometimes we put our key into to the wrong door.
Although the door is locked and clearly not working, once the love is there, it is very difficult to label that door as inoperable. That door may not be ready to commit. That door may have trust issues. That door may even be ready to be unlocked…but the hard pill of truth to swallow is simply that just because you are a key and it is a door, it is simply just NOT YOUR DOOR.
A breakup in college is crucial; it is likely that you’ll meet your best friends in college, so it is reasonable to assume you’ll meet your soul mate in college too. WRONG.
No, that was a joke. However, college is a new environment and place to truly learn who you are as person. It is very difficult to learn who you are and love yourself as an independent human if you’re attached to someone else.
When you give your heart to another person, there is automatically a spiritual and emotional bond. You inevitably invite this person into your present and want this person in your future. You alter your plans to fit into the person you love into your schedule. You may even “shack up” and live together with this person. Basically, in a nutshell, you’re living as a married couple without actually being married because you’re in such a state of bliss that the possibility of a breakup is completely out of the question.
If that sarcasm was not apparent enough for you to get the message, then maybe you need a more direct approach: that is not the way it should be. Rom-Coms and Disney princess movies are what they are for entertainment only. It’s escapism; meaning it is merely background noise and should be treated as such.
When you think you’re with the right person and then life happens and things go awry, how do you handle that?
There are several phases to heartbreak (but severity and order may vary):
The Initial Shock
The initial shock phase is where you don’t get extremely emotional. It is common for the initial shock to have such an effect on you that you don’t even look like your heart is broken. You probably don’t even know your heart is broken. You just go about each day on autopilot; you do everything that you normally do just to get through the day and it works, for a while.
The Denial Phase
The denial phase is universally relatable with all genders because it’s hard to cut things off cold turkey. You may think, “oh, we’ll be back together in a few days” or “this was just a stupid fight. It’ll blow over soon.” We have these assumptions because that’s how it goes: two people go back and forth and call it quits but both of them know it’s not really for real.
But what if it really is this this time?
Well, because previous circumstances prove otherwise, it is simple to ignore the severity of ‘this time.’ It’s understandable to not take ‘this time’ seriously because “love conquers all.” When that pivotal moment approaches letting you know that things ‘this time’ really are different, how do you react?
When you hear about the new relationship your person is in through the grapevine or see subliminal messages on social media hinting it’s really over. You try to hold it together (and by hold it together I mean calling him repeatedly or having your friends stalk him on the internet) to save face.
Unfortunately, you can only survive in denial for so long before it consumes you.
And you just break.
Pieces
It’s not pretty. It’s not fun. And it feels like FOREVER and then some. When your heart is ripped out of your chest and wrung out like a kitchen towel, coping well or doing anything rational goes completely out the window. Everyone has their own methods of coping; dusting off those direct messages from a year ago and rebounding, eating your feelings away, sabotaging your ex, etc.
Falling in love is so easy. Walking away from a person you love is not. Love does NOT hurt; only people can hurt you. So, if you’re saying, “love hurts,” you love the wrong person.
Here’s a True story:
A young woman came to college with a good head on her shoulders. She’d only been in love once before, but it was in middle school so she hadn’t experienced a full relationship where she’d been courted and exposed to the reality of a committed relationship. By the time she got to her junior year she fell in love with a guy who totally turned her world upside down.
Every love song made complete sense to her and Nicholas Sparks’ novels were totally relatable all of sudden. The love was so real that she dove in head first, and when she got her heart broken, she was left there to pick up the pieces.
She went through every phase previously stated to the tenth degree. She was beginning to lose herself. Sometimes we allow heartbreak to consume us because the pain allows us to keep a connection with the person who caused it.
Find a way to release that pain. Sing songs that empower you if you love to sing. Cook healthy treats to change your cravings to benefit you. You can even do positive things that you don’t normally do. For example, working out and getting that “revenge body.” When you look good, you feel good and ultimately when you’re motivated to move on, you only do it for yourself. That’s what the young woman did: she loved to write poems so she wrote so many that aided her healing process. Here’s what she wrote:
September
It was a September night,
and there you were.
About three years ago from now.
I walked in, feeling slightly unsure
But you calmed me and I don’t know how.
Maybe it was everything we had in common?
Or maybe everything about you I hated.
But even then I loved everything about you,
And that’s when it all escalated.
We stood in one spot, talked for 4 hours.
We stayed on the phone from 11 to five.
Sometimes I’d walk, deep in thought,
But could feel you a few steps behind.
It was always that look in your eyes.
I was the only girl you’d let have it.
Hundreds of girls, I was the one you saw.
You looked at me like magic.
I told you when my grandmother died.
I told you when my aunt died too.
I cried for you, and I never cry.
I blame it on what love will make you do.
We both wanted more than friendship.
With that desire that drives you mad.
But now as I write what you’ll never read,
I wish that we never had.
I didn’t just fall; the ground abandoned me.
It was so fast, so raw, so new.
But I never would’ve taken such a leap of faith
Had you not told me to.
As I laid my head on your heart,
I told you I loved you, and I knew it would end.
It wasn’t, “I don’t love you.” But your gaze for me was gone.
And I haven’t seen it since then.
December
I cried the last time I thought about you
But now I’m just exhausted and furious.
I know for a fact that it’s not me, it’s you
However, there are a few things that make me curious…
How can you smile everyday?
Does the heart you lack design you that way?
Are you aware of how much damage you’ve caused?
Let me write down all the things you’ve done wrong.
Imagine having your stomach wringed out like a towel
Or perhaps maybe even being constipated with glass.
This may be slightly obvious to you now,
But if you want me back I think I’ll pass.
You are the absolute hate of my life.
But trust me when I say I am no longer binding for you nor sad.
The only thing that probably feels any pain at this point
Are the buttons on my Macbook keypad.
You are the guy she should never text back.
You are the guy she should always leave.
You are that guy. The eyelash in my eye,
The acceptance letter we thought we wanted but didn’t receive.
I hate the way you smile.
I hate the way you speak.
You’re a desperate prayer, that should go unanswered.
Hating you feels quite sweet.
I’ve hated you since this morning.
I’m likely to hate you tomorrow too.
I’m likely to forgive you before this year is complete,
But my hatred could also continue.
The sun dances through my blood as every thought of you passes
And a new revelation of myself is now forming.
I cannot wait for the day that my tears become yours.
That will honestly feel like Christmas morning.
When she let all of the words out, she left the emotion there too. Everyone has his or her own process and heartbreak takes time to get through. Just remember that it is always important to love yourself more than your significant other. Always choose you until forever arises and you can choose “us” (meaning marriage).
Until then, keep evolving as the world does. Change is good. In order to grow, you must make yourself uncomfortable. When you fall head over heels with yourself first, the heartbreak will hurt, yes, but it will not destroy you. It will ultimately destroy them. The best love is self-love.
The right person will come along eventually and it’ll be everything you want it to be plus some and even then, you’ll be so strong to fall in love knowing you’ll be okay with the “what if.”
Moral of the story:
When you’re completely into YOU, you’ll never break your heart.