Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe you haven’t, but a Little Black Book has traditionally been a record or a list of all the girls a guy has had sex with. A body count, if you will. Honestly, it has some pretty hefty sexist and degrading connotations. However, as a sex positive and naturally rebellious individual, I decided to take it back into the hands of women. Nothing feels better than taking something used against you and using it to empower yourself.
If you’ve read my article Screw Relationships, Stick to Dating then you know that I have my own crusade with dating. But if all I did was go on these dates and I never took the time to reflect or think about how I felt, then why bother? At that point, I’m just wasting my time. So we can consider this a little bit like part two of that first article linked above.
I have a Little Black Book. Well, while it is little my book is not black, it’s actually cream. Held within its pages is a record of every date, relationship, fling or hookup I’ve ever been on since my freshman year of high school. Every page starts with the person’s name, what the thing was (date, relationship, etc), the date, and then a rating out of five. Below, I include either brief notes or a detailed description of what happened and my takeaways: anything I liked or didn’t like, any red flags, my overall feelings on the event and/or the person. For the purposes of respecting the people who have been in my life, some names have been omitted.
Clearly, this is all very personal, so why am I sharing this with you? For your personal entertainment? Not exactly, although feel free to be entertained by the horrible dates I’ve gone on. No, the point is that this alone has kept my spirits up when it comes to forming relationships and growing more within myself. It functions as a learning tool, letting me evaluate what exactly certain flags look like, not just conceptualizing them. I have referred to this book as my personal Yelp!, an item that ensures I don’t go back to someone who was messier than I needed or not worth my time and energy.
Interestingly enough, and here is where I feel the reclamation the most, I have been able to check some of the guys I’ve been out with. Actually, I’ve been able to intimidate certain guys in general. I was on one particular date with a guy who was too cocky for his own good. It was clear through most of the date that he had a superiority complex that made him more of an ass than anything. When it became evident that his behavior and way of speaking to me wasn’t going to change any time soon, I mentioned that I had a little book in which I rated the dates I went on, among other things. Something about the idea of being judged and rated makes people nervous, and it’s amusing more than anything because really, what is the opinion of a single girl you met on Tinder? But it had its impact and that boy straightened up really quickly. I’ve mentioned in certain circles that I have this book and for whatever reason, some of my male friends become intimidated. I take sex seriously as much as I have fun with it, and keeping note of what I learn is vital to that process. Sexuality is a meal best prepared by trying all the ingredients; I really believe you won’t truly know what you want unless you experiment, process, and reflect.
I’m not saying that everyone needs to keep a Little Black Book. Am I highly recommending it? Absolutely, but I also understand that the idea of it may still seem repulsive and sexist to some people or unnecessary and a little odd to others. As someone with a not-super-pleasant introduction to sex, it is really important to me that I get to define sex and the role it plays in my life. It’s important to me as a woman that I never feel anything but empowered by the sexual and romantic experiences I have, especially in relationship to men. And as a person who is too empathetic for her own good, I value the opportunity to share what I’ve learned through my own trial and error. Even if you never keep track of what or who you do, even if you never journal about these things, at the very least take the time to reflect on your experiences and walk away knowing yourself a little more. You can be your own Little Black Book.