“Date to marry.” What a cliche. We are often given this idea that we’re supposed to date one another to fall into a relationship, get married, have kids and a shared mortgage. And this process makes sense; each of those things naturally tends to follow each other, although children sometimes precede marriage, and sometimes marriage doesn’t yield children. But what happens if you’re 20 years old and you don’t want to get married? What if you’re a young adult who doesn’t even know what you’re doing with your life? Then dating can seem overwhelming. Unless, of course, you approach dating as something completely different.
As a young college student with a hunger for meeting people, dating means something else to me. After coming out of a 7-month relationship (with a guy I met on Tinder, by the way), I decided being in a committed relationship wasn’t something I wanted in college. However, I’m constantly curious about people and wanting to connect with them. The best way I knew how was through dating. I view dating as a way to meet, to connect, and to explore a variety of perspectives and mindsets. I also see it as an opportunity for personal growth.
While growth tends to stem from experience and reflection, it also comes from our interactions with others. When I was in high school, my dad said to me, “I want you to date as many guys as possible.” Now, mind you, to me at the time “dating” and “relationship” were synonymous terms. Obviously, that isn’t exactly the case. I was confused, until he followed with, “I want you to learn what you like and what you don’t like. Learn how to recognize red flags, learn how to advocate for yourself, learn how to remain independent even when you’re with someone else.” Now, in college and seeking to find myself in the world, that advice has never been more important. Not only have I learned what things I like in others and how to recognize warning signs, I’ve developed valuable social skills, overcome some of my anxiety around interacting with new people, and learned what some of my major flaws I want to work on.
Last year, a date and I were discussing our past relationships; I asked him something along the lines of why he thought some of his relationships ended really quickly? After pausing a moment, he said, “It just feels like when we start dating, suddenly I’m the main focus for them in their lives and I don’t like that. I want to be an aspect, not the center. I was interested in them as they were before I entered the picture.” While reading out of context may make my date sound bad, there was some truth in that, at least for me. Looking back, I recognized that I sometimes get excited about new people in my life and in a way, they do consume a lot of my focus and attention. But moving forward from there, I began to actively and intentionally keep me in the center of my life. I try to always be an independent, multi-faceted person living my life centered around the things I’m interested in, such as writing, school, and a little sense of adventure instead of being so warped around new people.
On a date with another guy, I realized while he was sweet and held a lot of feminist views, we were a little too different. He was naturally positively predisposed while I was a bit more pessimistic at the time. I enjoyed his company, but I didn’t see us being very compatible. When I asked about being friends, he said he didn’t want to be because it was too much of an emotional toll for him, seeing as how he liked me quite a bit. My first reaction was, “That’s a bit ridiculous.” Upon further thought, I realized I couldn’t really call it ridiculous. Because I might not have been particularly hurt by people in my past or had to deal with being romantically attracted to my friend, I might have been missing out on another perspective about personal energy expenditure. Everything we do takes something out of us. Some things give us energy in return, so it doesn’t take much from us at all; other things take and take and don’t give back, and we lose emotional energy. The year and a half since then, I’ve learned a lot about that, and I do attribute my awareness to it from that experience.
My experience with dating simply to date showed me something else: the various people whom I meet and interact and connect with highlight and expand different parts of myself. This last spring, I went on dates with a young man from my writing class. A lot of our interactions centered around writing and a little bit of botany. The way we spent time together, the places we went, and the discussions we had brought out Writer Anna. The writer in me carried a leather journal and a pen everywhere, stopped in random places to write whatever inspiration struck her, and entertained conversations that lasted for hours (10 hours, in one instance). I saw myself from a different angle, and I loved it. More recently I was dating a guitarist in an up-and-coming band. I like music and with my background in singing and personal connection with it, my drive to discover more music flourished. I might have impulsively bought a pair of cowboy boots, but, not important. Musical Anna was put in the spotlight, and it amazed me the new way I was presenting myself. I put more care into my style and aesthetic. I wasn’t shying away from eye contact with strangers. Something in me was motivated to be a competent individual in my academic and my social life. For as many unique and interesting people there are in the world who you can and hopefully will meet, there are potentially as many unique and interesting parts of yourself that perhaps simply need a little sunlight and acknowledgement. You’ll never know if you don’t open yourself up to the possibility.
It’s not dating without intention; it’s dating with a different intention. Maybe you’ll find it suits your needs, from dating to education to career timelines.