A Letter to My Ex. All the Things I Wish I Could Have Told You When I Couldn’t.

To My Sweet Heart, 

            I don’t even know where to start. I miss you, but I couldn’t drag you with me in my downward spiral. You don’t deserve that. I know you would have been right there with me, but it wasn’t fair. You had stuff going on in your life too and the last thing you need is the weight of someone else on top of it all. I wish I was able to tell you that I was miserable. I am going to make this clear; I was not miserable because of you and our relationship. I was miserable with all aspects of my life. What you didn’t know is that I called home crying almost every day. I was falling apart and felt that no one could pick up the pieces. I barely had any true friends that I could open up to. I was going to counseling and speaking to a counselor on a weekly basis. I never told you this. 

I was embarrassed.

I couldn’t accept the fact that I was broken. Mentally broken. I was embarrassed, disappointed in myself and depressed. What I was even more embarrassed about was that I continued to see a therapist over winter break, and I still didn’t have the courage to tell you. I would have to come up with an excuse to cover the fact that I had a session every week. 

You still don’t know to this day and may never know. I went to a counselor and a therapist for a total of 6 months. I broke up with you during that time. It broke my heart doing it only because I didn’t want to break yours. But I knew I had to do it. It was only fair to you. I didn’t want to lead you along. I haven’t seen you since that day.

I really wish I was able to tell you all of this. How I was truly feeling, but I couldn’t even accept it myself at the time I didn’t like how I looked, how I acted, and felt I was not good enough for anything.

I learned that I didn’t love myself anymore.

I really hope you will understand this; How was I supposed to love you when I couldn’t even love myself? 

You did nothing wrong in our relationship. You were an amazing first boyfriend; Don’t question it. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. You respected me, took care of me, put up with me, and loved me for who I was. There was nothing more you could have done and nothing you could have done to fix me drifting away towards the end. It was me, not you. 

So here is my letter to you. You would write me letters like this, telling me how much you loved me and everything about me. I was never good at writing like you were, and I never knew what to say. But here it is. You will probably never read this. Maybe it will find you one day.

I want you to know that I’ve been picking up the pieces. Putting them back together. A lot has changed, but some is the same. I actually like being at school now. I have true friends who I can tell anything to and are helping me put me back together. I don’t see my counselor anymore. I am starting to love myself again and the things that I do. 

I want you to know I still think about you, and hope you are doing well. I see your posts on Instagram and stories on snap chat. I’m sad you took down the posts of us though, it makes me think you forgot about us. I didn’t. I don’t know if you noticed, but I still have a few of us on my profile.  I hope you don’t think I threw everything away either. I still have every piece of jewelry, stuffed animal, every card, printed picture, and letter in a box, safe and sound in a box in my room. 

I hope to see you soon, to see how you are doing in person. If it is meant to be, we will find each other in the end. But I don’t think that time is now, but maybe it will come. 

I hope you know that I wouldn’t have changed a single thing about our relationship.

Love, 

Yours Truly