I’m lying in bed taking a mental inventory of my surroundings. My car is a mess and needed to be cleaned out since three weeks ago, my bedroom looks like an oversized clothes hamper, I’ve skipped out on two-three weeks worth of homework, it’s taking me an extra hour to get ready in the morning and then it hits me. My anxiety and depression are slowly creeping back up. I’m not entirely sure if it was one or multiple triggers, but they’re here. We’ve been doing this dance for almost three years now, so I recognize the signs early on. So what now? How do I get out of this funk?
Recognize that there is an issue. It’s so easy to write this off as just not feeling well or having a bad day. Though this may be true, don’t downplay it. It’s been longer than a day; I’ve had this feeling for about a month.
Identify My Triggers: Anniversaries of death(s), certain holidays, and specific people. Most recently, my grandfather passed away on February 1, 2018. It caught me completely off guard and I’m still dealing with it. That’s when this feeling started.
Get Out: I spend a lot of time closed in, more than I would like to. Whether I’m in meetings all day, stuck in the office working on a deadline, or have locked myself in the library trying to finish a project, I rarely get time to just relax and be to myself. When these two, anxiety and depression show up, I have to make it a point to go outside. Even it’s only for 15 minutes and I walk in the same circle, it’s important to get out of my head and out of the same space.
Talk to Someone: Not just anybody. I have a few go-to people that I confide in and trust. Before I talk to them, I have to make sure they’re okay, too. I’ve learned that I go “dumping” for lack of a better term, my issues and problems on someone else, I have to make sure they’re ready to receive this news. It’s important that they’re in a good headspace to handle this conversation; I don’t want my episode to trigger anything in them.
Also, I have a therapist. Yes, I’m a Black Christian who sees a therapist. It’s possible. Seeing a therapist is one of the best decisions I’ve made in my adult life. There’s no judgment and I honestly feel so much better when I leave the session. Every session isn’t always a success, there are some extremely difficult days, but even still therapy is wonderful.
Celebrate the “Little” Things: Living with depression helped me realize how much I take for granted in my day-to-day routine. Things like getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, going outside, so on and so forth. But when I’m going through my season of depression, when it really hits, all of the above-listed activities feel like climbing mountains. I can’t even picture doing anything other than staying bed. As much as I love cleanliness, hanging out with family and friends, and being outdoors, none of that matters when I’m depressed; that’s why when I do get up, I make it a point to cheer myself on and congratulate myself. There’s no such thing as small or little when you’re living with depression. Everything is an accomplishment, even the little things.
I know claiming anxiety and/ or depression is trendy right now, but these are not to be taken lightly. I have had some really dark moments where crying while getting ready for school and work and crying myself to sleep every night was my everyday routine. The fact people use these issues as a means to fit in is infuriating. There isn’t anything glamorous about struggling. There are far too many other ways to stand out and make friends for people to use sickness as one of them.
A week later I’m happy to report that I’ve gotten out of bed, taken several showers, and am currently finishing up an assignment that’s due later tonight. The point is, my depression and anxiety haven’t gotten the best of me. Though this is a day-to-day battle, I’m headed in the right direction.