If there’s one thing that puts me in a foul mood, it’s when people say, “It’s not that deep.” They toss those words around like an emotional band-aid, but saying those five words is supposed to miraculously make me not care about whatever I’ve already invested my emotions in. Well, let me be the first to say that doesn’t work. If anything, it just makes me want to care more, simply out of spite.
Here’s the thing: not everything in life has to be life-changing or dramatic to count. Sometimes the “little things” feel big to me. Sometimes something small truly does hurt my feelings. And telling me “it’s not that deep” just makes me feel like I’m being annoying for having emotions at all.
But if I am talking to you about my frustrations with something, I don’t need a mini TED Talk about Why My Feelings Are Invalid. I just need you to listen, perhaps nod along, maybe say “ugh, that would bother me too.” Very simple.
But empathy, it seems, for many of them, is much more difficult to achieve than algebra.
And speaking of being excited about something-which brings up another area in which “it’s not that deep” makes its unwelcome appearance. If I am explaining a story from a show I’m watching, freaking out over a celebrity moment, or sharing an extremely important update in my life-like finding the BEST iced coffee of my life. Let me just have that moment. Let me be excited.
Just because you don’t care doesn’t make something meaningless automatically.
Some people treat caring like it’s embarrassing — like enthusiasm should be kept to a minimum because feeling strongly is somehow “cringe.” Meanwhile, I happily will obsess over tiny things if they bring me joy. Life is too short to pretend everything is neutral.
But, you know, the thing that upsets me the most?
When people act like I’m overreacting, just because something affected me more than they think it should.
I promise you, if I’m bothered by it, I’ve already tried the whole “let it go” thing. I’m not choosing to be emotional for fun. And to be told “it’s not that deep” when you try to express hurt? It shuts the whole conversation down. It goes from “I’m trying to talk to you” to “never mind, I’ll just deal with it alone.”
And honestly, maybe that’s why the phrase gets on my nerves so much-it sounds to me like dismissal dressed up as advice. People say it to make themselves feel like they’re calming you down, when really, they’re just showing you they don’t want to engage.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
Just because it is not deep to another person does not mean it can’t be deep with me.
Feelings don’t exist on some universal scale where everyone reacts the same. Your “small” might be my “big.” And that’s okay.
We’re allowed to care. We’re allowed to be excited. We’re allowed to be hurt. We’re allowed to feel things deeply, even when it seems like a small situation. So no-I am not going to minimize my emotions just because someone else thinks that they should not matter, and that is it. When something feels deep to me, well, it is that deep. And if that bothers you, well, here’s my advice: Maybe you’re not that deep.