I recently saw a TikTok by the creator @partystateofmind where she posted a video showing her wearing an outfit that she has had since she was 14, and she is now almost 19 and still wearing it. Then she wrote #ivealwaysknownmyself.
Though this was just a silly little video about underconsumption and outfits, it hit me a little deeper than I would have expected, especially with that last statement.
I feel like with every year we grow older, we feel we are constantly changing and evolving into someone new, and sometimes we realize we are becoming someone that maybe we don’t really like. Whether it be a change in friends, work ethic, or attitude towards life; it seems like the older we get, the more critical we become of ourselves. So instead of putting in the effort to become better, or just work towards self-acceptance and love, we look to the past a lament about, “where things went wrong.”
Circling back to the TikTok, with these thoughts in mind, I felt like I wanted to find things to remind myself that, through all the stages of my life so far and all the changes to who I am, deep down I am still who I was at my core from the very beginning.
For this exercise, I picked out a few things that have followed me through my whole life, whether it be a material object like and outfit, or just an opinion on life. I encourage you to do the same if you are feeling a bit disconnected from yourself lately.
1.) Reading
Anyone who has meet me knows that I have a deep love for reading. I have told the tale to many people about how “The Hunger Games” trilogy was the gateway to my love of reading when I first picked it up in middle school, but that is not the whole story.
In reality, reading has always been a big part of my life, and a good part at that. Some of my fondest childhood memories are that of hanging around my local public library, or listening to my mother read to me and my sisters at night. I was in a book club at a young age as well, where I learned the importance of not only reading, but also discussing literature with your peers.
From these building blocks, I went on to work at that same public library I spent so much time in as a kid, as well as commit to being a Literary Publishing & Editing major in college. This hobby of mine has followed me throughout my whole life. I have not only found friendships and happiness from it, but I have build my future upon it. I will forever be intertwined with that core part of myself that reading has become for me.
2.) Music
I have been through various stages of music loving. I took piano lessons from third grade to eighth grade, owned a karaoke machine and religiously listened to Kidz Bop CDs as a child. Did I have a pretty basic taste in music as a kid? Yes, I did. But so did everyone else when they were 10 years old. However, there are certain songs and artists that I still listen to and enjoy from my childhood that bring the true me out.
One example I will use is Glen Campbell. When my sisters and I were little, my father had an old Chevy Impala that had a cassette player in it. When he would pick us up from school or drive us around, we could usually count on the same Glen Campbell Greatest Hits compilation to be playing. At first it was annoying listening to the same songs over and over again. Then, you begrudgingly memorize all the lyrics to each song. Soon we’d find our favorites, and then the job was done. We were officially converted to Glen Campbell fans.
To this day, my sisters and I hold his music in a special place in our hearts, despite not being country music fans, as it brings us back to the simpler days of riding around in that old Chevy. Since then, I have become an avid concert goer as well as a host of two college radio stations. And, you can always catch me with my earbuds in listening to something in the library, or with my car speakers blaring while I drive, especially when Glen Campbell comes on.
3.) My Beat-Up Black Converse
Obviously, converse are an incredibly popular shoe so I’m not trying to be like, “I knew about them be for you did.” No no no, I just like to highlight these shoes specifically because I’ve been able to hold onto them since I was in seventh grade, which I think is a pretty significant feat for a pair of shoes considering I am now a sophomore in college.
I feel like when I got my first pair of converse, my dear maroon low-tops, my interest in the way I dressed first clicked into motion. For context, I went through the awkward phase in middle school where I despised wearing dresses and predominately wore the colors grey, blue and black. This was glaringly unlike who I was inside.
I used to love wearing neon sneakers, and bright colored jackets. Purple had been my favorite color. One of my mothers favorite stories to tell about me as a child to this day was the time I refused to leave the house in my pjs to go to the doctor when I was sick because I needed to look “pretty” when I left the house. I used to take pride in fun colors and having a sense of style (even if it wasn’t that good). But at that point in my life, I had become bland, telling myself I “didn’t care” how I looked.
Back to my converse, my mother ordered the simple black high-tops online for me the next year after seeing how much I loved my first pair. The shoes followed me through high school where I ditched the gray hues and skinny jeans and found my way to earth tones, graphic tees and midi skirts. I am wearing those very shoes right now as I write this. Their longevity within my closet is not only a testament to their versatility, but also a call back to a younger me who rekindled her spark of motivation to express herself through her clothes again.
4.) Secretly Sentimental
I used to think that I wanted to be a minimalist when I grew up, but I’ve proven to myself that I am far too sentimental for that. I bring my giant penguin Squishmallow and leopard Webkinz to college with me because leaving them behind feels like betraying them. I rarely every throw away a card that was given to me be cause they feel far too personal to discard even though most are just store bought. I save voicemails from my family and friends in case I want to revisit what we were going through at the moment, or just hold onto the way their voice sounds at that moment in time. I can go on and on about the material keepsakes I hold onto for no reason besides my silly sentimental attachments to them. But this goes further than just material things.
I consider myself to be a pretty good friend, I hardly ever will pass up an opportunity to hang out, I try to reach out when I can, and I try to make sure that they know I will always be an ear ready listen and have a shoulder to lean on. For these reasons, I find letting go of friendships very hard. I think I’m one of the few people in the world that hasn’t really had a “messy” falling out with any friends. Usually one of our circumstances change and we gradually start talking less and less until the friendship seems to fizzle out. Though this is a natural part of growing up and maturing, it always leaves me a little gutted when I think back on past relationships I have lost.
I have always felt this way, and I know I always will. I don’t think that makes me a doormat, inviting people to walk all over me because I want to hold onto the relationships I have. It is just proof that deeply value my relationships with others and I just want to show that I care about the people I love.
One of the first movies I remember crying to was “The Fox and The Hound.” I was in second grade, sitting in the back of the classroom silently crying during movie day as Copper stood up for Tod at the end despite their differences.That is the embodiment of who I have always been. The shared history that my friends and I have will always put me in their favor. I could not talk to them for years or maybe have a slight disagreement with them on a trivial matter, but in the end if they come to me for help I will not hesitate to give it to them. Because the fact that someone valued me so much that they chose to spend their time on me, is one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received and gifts are never be something I could easily forget (as the box of old birthday cards in my closet will tell you).