Third Wheel

A lonely feeling in a month of love

It’s the season of Valentine’s, of love, of cupid’s gentle nudge…couples cuddle close and elope around me, whilst I find myself alone. I see so much human connection, such joy, romance’s gentle touch and think—well, what does that leave me with? And I slowly realize…that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the honeyed sweetness that I see defining many of the relationships around me. I’ve even had two exes—none really felt the way I see my friends feeling. Perhaps I just struggle to understand the feeling of love? Maybe I haven’t found the right person? But that gives way to self-doubt wondering desperately: will I ever find the right person? I just don’t know. I finally get a good-sized friend group—probably for the first time ever—that communicates about their issues and resolves their conflicts together. Then suddenly they’re coupling up—which drives me into flashbacks of my younger days, middle school, high school, where a relationship completely obliterates a friend group—like the couples ganging up on other friends in the group (I was often that friend who got ganged up on), and I get left behind and excluded.  

Feeling like a third wheel comes in a handful of forms for me. It could even be a friendship—two people get close and bond, and I’m not included—do I just not let people in enough? Am I too ‘weird’? Too reserved? Too shy? Too quiet? It’s a vicious cycle that eats away at my mind and makes me close the doors I so painstakingly tried to open. I lose hope. I think ‘well…it’s too late now…anything I do will just be like wedging myself between them…’ Why can’t I form bonds like that? I end up wondering. It makes me envious—and I hate to admit it. I just watch from the sidelines…my thoughts go bitter and shout “I’M SO SICK OF SEEING ALL THESE LOVEY DOVEY COUPLES!” It’s an awful thought, but perhaps it’s truly an outcry for human connection. It’s that envy—and I know that makes me look like an awful person, and I’m ashamed about it. 

Though… I think the best thing I can try to do is be happy for those around me. I need to not let it shut me down; these are different people. It’s a different place, a different age. I have to keep going and not let my past experiences haunt me. Heck, they’re cute couples, and seem so happy. Maybe one day I might just find someone. They just got to match my weirdness. 

• love
• mental health
• relationships