For as long as I can remember, I have been the last person people think about. I don’t usually get invited, I don’t get told about events, and people don’t reach out unless I do first. Overall, it is exhausting. I put in the effort to reach out, but that effort is never reciprocated. In some cases, throughout my life, it is not typically the other person’s fault. It is simply luck of the draw. And somehow, I am usually unlucky.
I will admit, talking and reaching out can be very socially draining. Regardless of what happens during the day, I feel so tired after just simply being surrounded by people who don’t even talk to me. But when I see groups of friends going out together, or I see a post of a friend surrounded by my other friends, I feel a deep hole in my chest. For example, a friend of mine I met freshman year came back to visit on campus and hung out with a group I am in. But I was never told that she would be visiting.
By the time I saw the post, she had already left. I messaged the person who posted the photo, saying, “Why didn’t you tell me (name) was visiting? I would have loved to see her!” and I never got an answer.
I know I am not the most attractive-looking person. I don’t mind that I am never posted in my friend’s photos. But just simply being there, interacting with friends, and learning drama is what I want.
Sometimes when I am already at an event, I still feel ousted. For example, at a party, everyone was mingling and having fun, and I was sitting on the stairs by myself; no one I was close to was at the function, so I wasn’t comfortable butting into other conversations. That was the loneliest party I have ever been to.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being by myself a lot of the time; just staying in my room and playing video games. But that yearning to be like everyone else and be surrounded by friends still lingers in the back of my mind. If every person had their own TV show, I would be a rare appearing character that gets very little screen time. But if everyone saw my TV show, I bet that it would be a highly rated soap opera covered in scandals and drama.
People would actually pay attention and be invested in my life.
I have attempted to mend my dilemma and step into the world and project myself deeper into my friend groups. I told them, “I’m feeling left out. I know it’s not your fault, but I want to let you know how I feel.” Deep down, I had a hope that things would change, and I would finally be integrated into my friend groups as a core member. But my pessimistic mind told me otherwise. Sadly, my mind was right, and nothing has changed.
I have had breakdowns over my situation. This is nothing new, though. I have been quite lonely for a very long time. Maybe it’s something I’m doing wrong? Does fate just want to f*ck with me? This doesn’t feel fair. I just want to make an impact in life and experience what everyone else experiences. Is that too much to ask?