As many people do, throughout my life, I’ve compared myself to others, but not in the way you think. Don’t get me wrong, it’s easy for me to look at someone and envy their beauty or be jealous of the grade my classmates got on a test. But I typically compare myself to others in a different way.
I’ve always known that life isn’t easy for anyone, but it’s an undeniable fact that some people have it harder than others. Growing up, I often compared myself to my peers. Some people had divorced parents, financial struggles, or trauma, and I felt like something was missing inside of me because I didn’t.
This is terrible to admit, but I secretly wished that something bad would happen to me so I could relate to everyone else. I just wanted to have something to validate the fact that I felt the way that I did. Since a young age, I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, and a lack of purpose. Whenever I met anyone who could relate to these feelings, they often had a “reason” to feel this way, and I didn’t.
I know I am so incredibly blessed to have had the opportunities that I had growing up, whether it’s been dance lessons, private schooling, or birthday parties. I’ve always had everything that I could possibly imagine, but still, I had this overwhelming sense of guilt anytime I would feel unhappy about my life. I didn’t have a reason to be unhappy, so why did I feel this way?
I’m going to be completely honest, I still don’t know why I feel that way, but what I do know is that I don’t need to explain why I do. Sure, some people may have it worse than me on paper, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t valid. That doesn’t mean that I need to have something awful happen to me in order to realize that my emotions are completely valid, regardless of the reason that I’m feeling them.
I may be very privileged, but I’ve gone through challenges, loss, and pain that I carry with me daily. Some days I choose to stay in bed all day and wallow in my feelings, and I don’t need to justify that. I’ve recently realized that I don’t need to have a reason to feel what I’m feeling.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, and I entirely agree. Although some people may “have it worse than you,” it’s okay if you feel worse than they do.