I have a degree in ultrasound (yay)! My school isn’t certified for me to just take the one accrediting exam, so I have to take another one first (boo)!
I failed that the first time.
My second attempt is Monday, and I only have one attempt after that.
I’m terrified.
Right now, I don’t even know if I’ll end up using that degree. I love doing ultrasounds, but I’m going for marketing now, and I like it, and it doesn’t make my body hurt. I’m not drained from the constant stream of patients at the end of the day. My eyes don’t hurt from being in a dark room for eight hours staring at a screen, with marketing, the lights can be on when I do that! My glasses prescription got better after I graduated!
But why am I so scared to fail? Part of it is that I don’t want those two years to go to waste. I still have my student loans to pay off from that. I want to use it at least a little bit. If I don’t, though, it’s not the end of the world. I’d be mad that I paid (twice) to take this test, but I’d be fine. Even if I pass, it’s still going to feel like a wasted two years. It should help me with the career direction I want to go, but I know I would’ve been fine without it.
I reflected on this a lot this week, and I can think of two reasons why I’m especially scared about this. A fear of failure and a fear of disappointment.Â
I was always an overachiever. I failed one test back in fourth grade, and it was a spelling test. I got a 42%. After that, I went crazy studying, and now I’m pretty good at it. I got an 89% in eighth-grade public speaking, and I beat myself up about it for a week. I got an 89% in gym class in high school, and I didn’t beat myself up about that because she graded on skill, and I suck at volleyball.
Failing makes me so disappointed in myself. I feel disgusted with every action I took leading up to it. I should’ve studied instead of sleeping; I should’ve been taking a review quiz instead of being on my phone (which, yeah). I’ve put off creative projects for months because I’ve been so worked up about this, and I have barely gotten myself to study.
What’s worse is that everyone around me expects me to pass. Anytime I say I’m scared of failing again, they say, “You’ll pass.” I asked my dad how mad mom would be if I didn’t retake it if I did fail and he said, “Let’s not talk about that.” I know she’d be so disappointed she wouldn’t be able to look at me for a week. My boyfriend would comfort me, but he wouldn’t get the crushing disappointment from myself and my parents.
So yeah, I’m scared to fail. I’m scared that I won’t meet the expectations that I’ve built in my head. I’m scared that my parents won’t be able to look at me with pride anymore. I tried so hard to not be the disappointment of the family, but I think after Monday I will be.