Now, in our time, there are moments to speak, and there are moments to die.
Now, we need to overexplain, overshare, and give it all away.
Especially in times of confrontation. When you’re upset with others, and others are upset with you, there is this primal need to know why and understand.
But sometimes not knowing and understanding is best.
When your high school friendships ended, you often never knew why, but let them go anyway. Because of my reason, what I believe most also thought was, we went to different colleges, we moved apart, and that is okay, there was never a talk about why that distance formed, and if you wanted a friendship to continue, you texted, and life went back to a semi-normal.
In college, you talked to people you saw every day in classes, often planned your schedules around them to make sure you took classes together, so walking in, you saw a friendly face. Maybe even your next-door neighbor.
But now, do you even talk?
Sometimes, people that you thought would stick by your side forever, people you put hours into, would still be, but they aren’t.
But….
I am a supporter of communication; I believe it will solve any problem that exists. But there is a time that scarred me from wanting to have hard conversations.
When I picture myself back in that room, when someone speaks to me, telling me all the things that upset them, and I remember feeling lonely.
Before that for a long time, I equated self-worth to how people felt about me and how many friends I had.
I have felt loneliness before, but this day, with their voice ringing in my head about ways that everyone was annoyed about me, I found a new version of it. I struggle with being good enough, and now for a short while, I struggled feeling like I belonged.
The minute these feelings lurked in my heart, was the minute after this conversation happened.
Because of this, I have chosen to not have conversations with people. I decided that it was better to never know the why behind the choice they made to speak to me no longer.
Have there been moments that I have regretted not having a conversation, yes, but then when having these conversations, my relationships never went back the same. Ultimately this is a good thing, you are growing and changing and your friendships along with you, but you know the weird tension in between the two of you, so stiff it would crack under pressure.
Whilst I support and preach the words of communication, I stopped living by them, and truthfully in some moments its nice, I’ve let go of what others think, and the need of knowing has dissipated.
There are moments to speak and there are moments to die. The best way that I solve this problem is by, if you don’t talk, and you feel as though your life changed for the better or not a all, don’t talk. But if you don’t speak, and lay up at night, wondering about them, worrying that they are doing okay, talk.
Communication is key, but understanding how you feel can lock or unlock that door.