When you spend two years loving someone, it’s inevitable that you’ll find parts of you fused with them. It’s a beautiful thing when two people love each other so much that their existences become one. It’s something that’s worth relishing in. In the moment of loving someone, it’s the most precious thing.
When my relationship ended, I felt like half of me was ripped away. I spent two years fusing my soul with someone else’s, and when that was ripped away, I felt like I was falling apart.
When it first ended, I had no idea who I was outside of my relationship. It was always him and me, and we were one. The foundation of everything in my life rested on my love for him. The foundation collapsed, and everything that I knew crumbled.
As time creeps by, I find more and more of myself. I’m sorting through pieces of my life. I’m picking up the pieces that bring me joy, and leaving the ones that bring me pain behind.
Every now and again, I still find pieces of him. They linger in the back of my mind all of the time. Things that he and I shared. Parts of me that we shared. The things that I learned about myself because of him.
Finding these pieces is bittersweet. We had such an amazing two years together that I wouldn’t have traded them for anything. I cherish the parts of me that come from the memories we made. But there are parts of me that are because of the hurt he caused me at the end. As much as I want to let go of those parts of me, I can’t seem to fully let go of them. I’m not ready yet, and I’m not sure when I will be.
The person who was him and I has died. But the person that I am is just blossoming. There are things about me that are permanently changed because of him. That’s a truth that I don’t like to think about, but it’s a truth nonetheless. I’m made up of pieces of all of the people I’ve loved, and he’s no exception.
I am learning that not every part of me has to be made up by other people. I lost a huge part of my life, and it made me realize that some people aren’t always going to be around. Knowing who I am outside of other people is the only way that I can deal with loss.