My mind is like a never-ending spiral. A carousel at the fair that never stops turning, but things keep somehow stepping onto it. I will never truly be able to explain the craziness that is my brain, but I can try to explain and accept that I am okay. I am always prepared for the worst. Even scenarios that are really most likely not going to happen, or ones that do not seem as bad to others but seem like the end of the world to me.
A great analogy to explain this is that I have an overactive smoke detector in my brain. You know how sometimes smoke detectors get wacky and go off at random times to try and keep you safe, even when you have nothing to worry about, and that awful sound will not stop. That’s what it is like in my brain. My brain will get stuck because it is always detecting danger, and then rumination occurs, and it is like this awful need (and I mean need) to fix something that you either can’t because it is out of your control or you can’t because it doesn’t exist.
I reread emails, texts, and papers hundreds of times in case I accidentally said something offensive or something that could be misunderstood (this is most likely why it took me a while to answer an email back or to submit this article). I unplug extension cords whenever I leave my bedroom because I am afraid it is going to cause a fire that will not only burn my house down, but somehow the world (according to my brain). I take pictures of things like turning off a curling iron before I leave the house to make sure I did it.
I repeat words to myself when it doesn’t feel right the first time I say them. I will mentally break apart conversations or interactions I just had tirelessly. To try and understand if something meant more, or if I did something to hurt someone unintentionally. I have a constant need to check and make sure things are okay in heavy detail with multiple different (sometimes way too many) people. I do this to make sure I did not miss something that hurt someone else or that I was not a “bad” person. I will also get stuck on embarrassing moments and past mistakes like a mouse in one of those glue traps.
If you are thinking that sounds exhausting, you are completely right, and those are only some of the things I do almost daily. I tend to avoid many things, such as big events or talking to new people, because of it, and I can also hurt the people I feel most close to because I will unload these negative thoughts, like a break in a dam, or a negative thought could connect to them, and I have to step away for a little while. If you are one of those people whom I have talked to about my “obsessions”, I want to say thank you for listening to my problems when you did not have to, and or you had your own. I appreciate it more than you think, and no matter what I will be grateful always.
I do not want my negative thoughts or obsessive compulsive tendencies to define me and I do not want to be ashamed of them. I am not writing this as a way to get sympathy or anything of the sort honestly the thought of that attention makes me want to throw up. I am writing this because I know I struggle with it and that OCD is often looked at as wanting color coded papers or complete neatness. After all many people think it is not that bad but ultimately it can be horrible and I do not want to pretend that it doesn’t affect me. Also I wanted to write this to honor the wonderful month of OCD awareness that shows what it can really be like. I am not perfect and I do not believe anyone is and I struggle with tons of things just like others, but I am getting better at dealing with things that make my brain spiral.