I noticed one orange leaf whispering to the ground as I walked to class in flip-flops. The conversations of “oh my God, what are you going to wear for Halloween this year”, followed by the pumpkins, and the crisp chill in the air at night.
Change is good, I know that deep down, change is normal; it’s how we grow and adapt to new environments, and it’s what makes us better people. A part of me is unwilling to change. Summer was long, four months of not having an essay due at the end of the week, that is constantly at the back of my head. No big exam that keeps me up at night worrying about whether I’m going to pass or not.Â
Nostalgia hits hard. It is almost always a feeling that wraps around my heart and squeezes it until it burns. I think about who I was at the start of the first semester last year, and I can’t help but think about the change that has happened over the months. I am not the same person I was last fall, and with the season of summer closing and the start of a new chapter, I can’t help but fixate on the feelings that come with it.
They aren’t all bad, I should say that. Nostalgia is a funny feeling when it comes to that. It hits in waves. Some of them are fun, lifting you up, making you laugh and giggle a little, then you get back to resting, floating in the waves as you lay there, basking in the sun. Quickly without even realizing it, you’re in deep waters, with the darkness of the waves crashing down on you without an end in sight. It almost chokes you.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t care as much as I do, about the past, or how much the people around me have changed, or I wish I could fix things that hurt the people I love. As much as I may want this, that is not the reality we live in. The world is cruel, everything that happens doesn’t have a perfect explanation to why this is the outcome, and why it had to be this way.
So, the start of a new semester, living in a new building, with new roommates, is the start of just what I needed. The reminders are still there, lurking in the back reminding me of the person I was at the beginning of May, who has now in the past four months changed into a completely different version of myself. I am still the same person who despises change. I don’t like packing up old clothes that don’t fit the seasons anymore. Pulling out my winter jacket in exchange for my jean shorts and tank tops. Summer is where I thrive, it is where I feel most authentically myself. Between the moments of June, July, and August is what true, carefree loving looks like. Looking forward to what lies ahead, and not reminiscing on what I used to have is what I need to do most.
I still don’t have the words or the vocabulary to describe exactly what I am feeling, or what I can do to uplift my mood. But life is truly too short to waste on the past. Living in the moment with the people who surround me now is what I precisely want to achieve.Â