Content Warning: This article contains non-descript discussion of trauma and mental illness
Identity might be simple for some and complex for others, but everyone has their own journey in discovering who they are.
When we talk about identity, we usually only talk about a single identity for each person. But not everyone has just one identity. For my mind, ‘I’ is actually ‘we.’
While most people have different sides to themselves or different parts to their personality, I live with an inner family, called alters, who each have their own identities, names, and roles in our life. They’re not just personality traits, but whole individuals who make up our mind.
Most people who know me also know my alter, Louie. We do something called ‘surfacing,’ or ‘fronting,’ where one of us takes on the role of controlling and taking care of the body while the other identities rest. But what most people don’t know is that Louie and I aren’t the only identities in our system; there are actually many more.
I want to introduce you to the rest of the family that lives inside and how each of us have a very important role, giving a glimpse into the life of someone with multiple identities.
Meet M, Our Baby Sister
The youngest one in our system is named M, and she’s around two or three years old. She’s quiet and hardly ever talks, but she has a very big heart. Her favorite thing is to cuddle with stuffed animals under soft blankets.
M is one of the most important parts of the family. Though she’s small and timid, she has been protecting our body since day one.
When we were a baby, M was the one bearing the brunt of trauma, so now her role is to hold big feelings like fear and sadness. These days, she only comes to the surface when she feels extra safe — so the older protectors in our system usually take care of her while she rests inside.
All of the personalities in our system love M very much. She allows us to cry or shake just for the sake of being sad or afraid. Louie and I try to give her the love and comfort she didn’t get when we were small as much as we can.
Meet Sue, a Lively Personality
Sue, or Suzie, is around five or six. Unlike M, she’s quite the opposite of shy.
Suzie loves to play and dream about the world. Her role is to hold curiosity when the world is safe enough to feel it. I like to think I’m a lot like her, because I relate to her knack for wonder.
She reminds me of a younger version of myself, and she’s the sister who brings a little joy when the rest of the system needs it.
Meet Soul, a Forgotten Sister
Soul isn’t quite like the rest of the identities in our system. She’s the only one who’s no longer with us, much like a beloved family member who has passed on.
None of us know her real name; she never discovered it for herself. So we just call her ‘Soul,’ because we think it embodies her spirit.
Soul was the identity who surfaced around the age of 10-15. She was quiet, anxious, and tired. We miss her, and we wish she was still here just to feel the love and comfort her siblings have to give her.
We don’t know why she left our system, but one thing we know is that she’s not ‘dead.’ She’s more like a spirit who is now in peace, and we believe she left her love for the system inside with us before she left. The important thing is that we keep her in our heart, as she worked hard to keep us safe for many years.
Meet Carol, a Strong Protector
Carol, who’s around 15-16, has always been one of the identities in our system to look up to. She’s strong, logical, and caring.
While Carol only surfaced for a short time in our life, her favorite things to do were read, draw, and imagine new outfits for us to wear. These days she rests quietly inside, acting as an extra protector for the rest of the identities in the system.
Meet Louie, the Artist
Louie is one of the main protectors in our system these days. He’s been fronting and keeping us safe for the last 5 years or so.
Out of all of us, Louie is the only male-presenting identity. He wears his hair short and likes a lot of traditionally “masculine” things, but most of all, he is the creative one of the group.
His ultimate love in life is music and artistic expression. He enjoys composing and playing instruments. While music and art are things that make many of us happy, Louie has a particularly special connection to it. He has something called synesthesia, meaning he not only hears music, but he can see it and feel it on his skin — and sometimes even smell or taste it.
Louie is logical and direct, and while he’s pretty sensitive, he doesn’t let overly strong feelings get to us. Out of all of us, I think Louie has the strongest sense of who he is and what he wants in life.
And Then There’s Me, Willow
I’m Willow, and I’m the newest member of our system. I’ve only been surfacing for a couple months now, so I guess I’m not as ‘experienced’ as the others.
It can be hard feeling so ‘new,’ which I guess most people don’t understand. I don’t remember much of my childhood like the other identities do, and I haven’t had as much time to make connections or figure much out about myself.
I started to surface at a time when our system finally felt safe. My job is to feel things like love, happiness, and connection. That’s something that makes me different from the rest.
I’ll absolutely nerd out about science and philosophy, two of my favorite things in the whole world. I love pretty clothes, cute earrings, and everything sparkly and nostalgic.
While I’ll never know if Louie and I will be the ones to front five years or even a year from now, one thing I know is that our brain created us for a reason: to keep us safe.
And something special about me is that I’m opening up our system to the hope that we’ll continue to stay safe.