I love dissonance.
When asked for a word to describe myself, I always seem to circle back to this term.
Dissonance is originally a music term that means the “lack of harmony among musical notes,” according to the Oxford English Dictionary.
But I use this term more in the sense of describing certain aspects of myself. An alternate, and much more fitting, definition is “a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.”
For instance, one of the most common assumptions about me is that I must like attention because my hair is dyed hot pink. I stick out anywhere I go. I know this fact now, and know that every time I dye my hair a new shade of pink or red I am doing nothing to stop this theory.
However, anyone who knows me understands that I hate drawing attention to myself. My dream would be to blend in and never have anyone notice me. These two very important details about my personality (having pink hair and my introversion) conflict with each other.
Though dissonance is not always a harmful thing, it can become damaging when it highlights the hypocrisy in yourself. One of the most challenging things I have been working through lately is the stubborn belief of mine that I am somehow not as good as those around me.
This often manifests in an evident lack of self-worth and almost constant self-deprecation. I am always there to offer uplifting advice and counsel to my friends, or any woman who needs it.
My brain just has some type of blockage (that I am working to overcome) when it comes to taking my own advice. I know that a person’s worth comes from so much more than their physical appearance, but I cannot help but feel like I am not as worthy of love when my hair doesn’t look perfect, or I gain weight.
If one of my friends were to come to me feeling upset just because of some physical trait, not a second would pass before I jumped in and dispelled that crazy thought.
Why am I able to lend advice to others and not listen to myself?
It doesn’t make sense, this contradiction in what I believe. I know that.
This dissonance is harmful to myself. I see this. I can see how it is damaging to my mental health and how low it makes my self-esteem. But like I said, there seems to be a disconnect deeply buried in the wires of my brain.
Most people probably know the term dissonance from the psych phrase “cognitive dissonance.” This is when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time. This often creates tension, a state of mental conflict.
One of these conflicts within my own mind is the idea of being loveable. I am going to get a little vulnerable here, but I struggle with the idea that I am indeed capable of being loved and accepting it. I have been working endlessly through this in therapy for years and have made a lot of progress in the past year or so.
Here is where the dissonance comes in: I know I am loved. I have the most amazing friends and support systems. I have been told over and over how loved I am by those I have chosen to surround myself with. The love that Alex radiates when I tell him about my struggles or the genuine goodness that Ella wishes for me are indicators of a deep, authentic love that friends share. I can sense it, I know it, and I believe it.
So how come I still believe that as a person, I am fundamentally unlovable?
I have no clue, but that is why I cling to the word dissonance. It shows that I can truly believe that people love me while also having this pesky voice in my head lingering in the corner. It means that I am a developed, complicated person full of contradictions (as most people are) and each of these aspects that clash is what makes me, me.