Knowing What You (don’t) Want

Last week, I stepped outside my comfort zone for what I consider the most unique experience of my life. I traveled to New York City for a school advertising competition. 

I know you’re probably already rolling your eyes or giggling to yourself, which I fully condone. It seems silly that a quick, four-day trip to one of the most beloved cities in the world could have such a profound impact on me. 

After our eight-hour train ride, we were plopped at Penn Station with little guidance. I felt helpless and embarrassed to depend on my classmates who had been to the city before. I typically value my independence and pride myself on being good with directions; however, the city presented a whole new landscape of unfamiliarity. The shouting, the honking, and the mass chaos were unlike anything I had ever witnessed. 

I tried to remain my typical upbeat, positive self. Nonetheless, I missed my quaint hometown and college town every second of the trip. My soul craved to return to where people knew my name and cared about me. 

I felt depressed as people pushed and shoved and stared at the ground on their subway commutes. Everyone seemed to be cold and in a rush. I felt the culture was primarily work-centric and glamorized burnout culture. 

Let’s stop right here. If you’re from the city or love the city, you may claim my opinions are futile and biased. Maybe you’re right. It’s impossible to ignore that I went into the trip with a particular viewpoint. I was sick, stressed, and solely in the city to deliver a high-stakes presentation. 

I hope I can return to the city for a leisure trip with friends or family and fresh eyes. 

Anyway, (surprisingly), this article is not to bash the Big Apple. I loved Central Park and the American Museum of Natural History. People dress vibrantly and with freedom. The views, especially at night, were spectacular. There was such a variety of delicious food and beverages. 

The point in my reflection is to connect with myself on a deeper level. My parents always said it’s equally as important, if not more important, to discover what you don’t want in life along with what you do want and desire. 

I am so grateful to have had an experience last week unlike anything I have ever done. I met new people and saw new places. 

In the process, I learned the city lifestyle does not light my soul on fire- and that is okay.

I wanted to be the cool twenty-something who could have fresh manicures and work in my city office with a view. I saw the city charm in “Sex and the City,” “Friends,” and “How I Met Your Mother.” It seems New York is the “it city” for friends, fun, and freedom in your twenties. 

I tried to insert myself into this picture, but I simply couldn’t. At first, this made me dejected. I questioned if I would miss out on something in life, if I would regret not ever being a city girl. 

My sadness turned into relief. How cool is it that I know what I want? In knowing the locations where my body and soul feel best, I can narrow down my post-grad relocation options. 

People are drawn to different places, and that should be celebrated. Whether it’s a bustling city skyline or quiet countryside, beauty takes different forms. 

While I look forward to visiting friends and family in various cities, I cannot wait to plant roots in a small, cozy town where the local coffee shop knows my order and my work-life balance can heal my nervous system. 

The world is big- keep exploring it! 

• college
• mental health