As women, we are born mediators. It’s our job to keep the peace. Even as young girls, we are taught to talk people off ledges and keep our loved ones happy. And it’s even worse being the eldest sibling.
No one wants to grow up in an unsafe home, so it becomes our duty to make it feel safe. We keep our parents from fighting and our siblings from having to hear it. We teach ourselves how to cope, so we don’t have to ask for help. We make ourselves small, so no one trips over us. We regulate others’ emotions for them, so they don’t have to.
Somewhere in all that mess, we forget that we have emotions too, and we are allowed to feel them. More than that, we are allowed to express them. Not only emotions, but opinions too!
It’s not selfish to have big emotions or strong opinions, and we don’t have to keep them to ourselves to make other people feel better. But sometimes, it feels easier to just pretend that nothing bothers us so that we don’t upset anyone.
I often find myself agreeing to things I don’t agree with and accommodating the needs of people who don’t even respect me. I apologize for things I didn’t do or that I’m not sorry for because disagreeing with someone feels like committing a sin, and being unapologetic feels shameful.
I am in a constant state of feeling sorry for existing and for being more than a shell of a person who will bend to everyone’s every whim. Why should I feel guilty for saying no to things (especially when I usually feel guilty for saying yes, too)?
When I am living for others, I will never win. I won’t be satisfied until I ask myself what it is that will satisfy me. But that isn’t as easy as it should be.
As a woman and as an eldest sibling, it feels wrong to accept that what I want actually means something and that desires are not just something to push down and pray about.
I will not be a yes-woman. I don’t need to be soft and easy-going. Being easily manageable is not a personality trait; it is a lack of courage and a result of years of trying to make myself more palatable. But I don’t need to be pleasant and acknowledging that gives me a sense of freedom I’ve never known.
So, I’m done trying to please others while my desires sit on the back burner. I can’t please everyone, but if I let myself, I might be able to figure out how to make myself happy. Because what I want does matter and I’m nobody’s yes-woman; I am my own kind of woman.