Currently, I am reading Dying of Politeness by actress Geena Davis. This is a simple memoir about Geena Davis’s early life and career based on her personality. Her personality is shy and polite.
Going into reading this, I wasn’t too interested because I’m reading this for a class, and memoirs aren’t necessarily the first type of book I’d pick up. This one, however, had me in a chokehold from the moment I picked it up.
Geena Davis talks a lot about her struggle with being too polite and not speaking up for herself enough, something she’s struggled with since childhood. She’s very in her own head. As I was reading the first couple of chapters, I realized that I also don’t speak up for myself and can be too polite.
Growing up, I watched adults around me do this and not even notice—my mom especially.
I would see my mom nod and smile in an uncomfortable situation to avoid conflict. She will bend over backwards for anyone, no matter how they treat her. If there is a potential conflict, she will not be the one to point it out, but instead, let it fester inside her.
Now, I am not shaming my mom for this at all. I am the last person to do this. But it makes sense as to why I do it. It’s like a “monkey see, monkey do” scenario.
I’ve been made aware for years that I let others walk all over me to avoid conflict. I am a true people pleaser to my core, and I genuinely hate myself for it. It doesn’t resolve anything but instead makes it worse.
Learning how to deal with this has been a difficult but efficient matter. I’ve started to speak up for myself more instead of letting it build inside me until I freak out over the most minuscule thing. But with this, I still have setbacks. Last week I had the worst day ever, and the tiniest thing forced me to freak out and call my mom sobbing at 10 p.m. on a Monday evening.
Brutal.
Here’s the thing, though, things like that happen. Setbacks happen. Life happens.
It keeps me wondering if I am experiencing the “dying of politeness” thing that Geena Davis is. If I’m letting my insecurities and thoughts boil over into a pool of tears, am I being polite? Here’s the thing with that: I’m probably not.
I’m not Geena Davis. I’m not a movie star who’s overcoming her fear of impressing a director. I’m a college student who’s honestly just taking it day by day.