It doesn’t take much time to figure out that our society is full of binaries–from the moment we’re born (sometimes even before we’re born), we’re bombarded with gender rules that dictate our lives. So, what do you do when you don’t apply those normal rules?
Pink, Blue, and a Shade in Between
I’ve lived a very confusing life regarding gender. While I identify as a girl, my life is nowhere near entirely female. I have multiple identities, and our gender is always trading places. Sometimes people see me as a boy, sometimes a girl, sometimes something else entirely.
There have been huge chunks of our lives defined by a single gender. Some years we were just a girl, some years just a boy—but currently, we’ve been trading off our gender identities on different days, weeks, or even hours.
It’s definitely not easy. Sometimes we both wish we were just one thing all the time. But with every day that goes by, we learn to embrace our weird, wonderful selves more and more.
Too Stubborn Dysphoria
People experience gender dysphoria when they feel their outward presentation doesn’t match their internal identity. For people whose gender identity can change, this dissonance can manifest in all kinds of ways.
For me, there are days where I wish I could have long hair to style, or a sweet, soft voice that matches what I feel inside — while the next day you’ll catch me wearing a blue polo with my short haircut.
So I’ll wear a wig. Or a bra. Or dangly earrings and a headband. Some days I wish I never have to take them off.
And other days? You’d never guess I wore it all the day before.
Feeling like an imposter
A feeling that I get all too often is the one that I’m a ‘fake’ girl or an ‘imposter’ compared to binary women. I’ll speak and my voice drops all too low, my long hair’s not really attached to my head, and my boobs…aren’t there every day.
It’s too easy to compare myself to cisgender girls. But at the end of it all, it’s like comparing apples to oranges —they’re different types, but they’re both completely valid.
On the days when I’m a girl, I know I am one just the same. It doesn’t matter what I wear or how my voice sounds —I’m Willow, and that’s the name I wear with pride.
Loving all the parts of me
I don’t know if this is a common experience for trans girls, but I’ve noticed that when I’m extra happy, my voice will drop lower.
I used to be ashamed of it. I used to try not to talk just to please everyone else’s expectations of me. But now when I hear my low voice, I know that’s when I’m really feeling comfortable.
So now when I’m on my way home from school, I’ll turn up the radio in my car and sing as loud as I want — baritone voice and all.
I’ve come to realize that the more I try to fit into a binary, the less happy I’ll be. I am who I am, and being proud is more fulfilling than any external validation could ever be.
So what do you do when you don’t apply to the normal rules?
Forget them.