The medical field does not prepare you for the heartbreak that takes place when a resident passes away. Nor does it prepare you to be called a “butt wiper” all the time. I am a CNA and I would never change it. As I progress my career into nursing, I will always remember where I started and why I am doing what I do.
I have worked in long term care for nearly four years. Patients and residents become family. I have never for a moment felt like I had no emotion or was not trying my best when I was holding your Grandfather’s hand as he was nearing the end of this life. I will make sure he gets the medicine from his nurse that he needs to pass comfortably, but I also pray for your Grandpa to find peace and I gently remind him that it is okay for him to let go. I also tell him that if he feels he needs to hold on a little longer that’s okay too. And if his God is different than mine, I will pray to his, because that’s what he would want. It is my job to allow him to pass in a way that he feels comfortable with, not in a way that is convenient to me or the rest of the staff providing him care. I will skip my breaks and stay after my shift because I don’t want him to die alone. Your grandfather has become my family. He has listened and hugged me in my saddest moments. We have shared several fond memories and holidays together.
When your parent passes away in the middle of the night. I will give them a bed bath, just as I would if they were alive. This allows you and your family to see them one last time as if they are just sleeping in bed. I will comb their hair and make their lifeless body look just as you have remembered for so many years. When I am finished taking care of his once full of life body, I will wipe away my own tears, I will take a deep breath and step outside to allow you to say your final goodbyes. I will tell you I am here for you if you need anything, and I mean that. My words are never scripted, every word I say comes straight from my heart.
Every night as I tuck your grandma into bed, I give her a kiss on her forehead and tell her goodnight. Never have I felt as if my time was being wasted. Yes, I say this to comfort her, and remind her she is loved, but I truly do love her. Sometimes when I hold her hand or embrace her with a long, warm hug, she tells me she can’t remember the last time she had been hugged and that it, ‘Feels so nice! Thank you!’ When she cries and tells me her family has not seen her in months or years, it reminds me how special it is to be able to care for her. To love her like my own. It reminds me of my family that I get to return to every night and how I need to call my own grandparents more often. From then on, I will always take a moment out of a very busy shift to make sure she gets those hugs which help her to make it through another lonely day. And let’s be honest, sometimes her hugs get me through a really stressful shift.
Often times coworkers, administration, and your family witness me acting silly as I sing and dance to your Great- Aunt’s favorite songs (I’m talking Bugle Boy from the Andrew sisters!) despite my inability to sing and dance, just to see her smile. When she becomes disoriented and wants to suddenly try and punch me in the face or throw her plate of supper on my head because she has forgotten who I am, and maybe also forgotten who she is…I will start to sing, ‘I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas’ until she calms down and joins in because although she may have forgotten everything else, her mind has retained the lyrics of ALL her favorite songs. And I will always make sure she is calm and relaxed before I walk out of her room. No one deserves to feel so weak and low, unable to remember their favorite things or family members.
I will greet your mother with love, even on days she gets confused, spits in my face or tries to throw her bedpan full of poop at me while she yells that I am nothing but a terrible person. I know she would be disgusted if she knew what she were doing and saying to me. Some days the punches hurt and her words sting, but I remember who she is and love her anyway. I listen to her stories because she isn’t just my patient, she has become my friend. She has shown me who I want to be and made me understand the importance of love. I know all her children by name, hometown, and occupation. I am her counselor and listen to her as she tells me stuff that she might not tell you because she doesn’t want you to worry more than you already do. Not because it is my job, but because I truly love your mother and treat her as if she were my own.
And when your mom with Alzheimers is panicking because she forgot to pick up her children at the bus stop. I will assure her that her children made it home safely and we will see them in the morning after the snow storm passes. I will ease her mind by telling her that dinner is on the house tonight and this nice place has given us a bed here to stay until the roads are clear. Sure, you could say I am lying to her, but I know telling her the truth would only further irritate her. So instead of orienting her to my world, I step right into hers. I explain multiple times an hour, sometimes multiple times within twenty minutes that her husband who passed is just “out fishing” instead of breaking to her many times a day that he is deceased.
I promise you that the love for my job is unconditional. I will never leave work without feeling like I have tried my best and loved those who I see daily. We NEED people to care for the elderly, and I am proud to be one of those people. When no one is there for them, I am their advocate and I will go to the end of the earth fighting for them! To the many friends I have lost during my time thus far, I hope you are singing with the angels. I pray you know how much I loved you. I rejoice in the fact that I gave my all to make you comfortable during your final moments on earth.
Sincerely, A CNA who cares about you