The Fall semester of 2021 was rough for me. I had so much going on and I struggled to balance it all. There were points that it felt like I was going to tip but I just kept up in what I think of as a version of survival mode. I can’t think of how to describe it any other way than like I felt as if I was on a roller coaster. Thankfully I didn’t have to go through it all alone most of the time my roommates were involved or helped me when I struggled. To be completely honest this fall my GPA did drop a bit and has been the lowest it ever has been. I felt like I was constantly drowning in work and my mental health was constantly falling. To better elaborate what I was going through let me take you through the “Roller Coaster”. None of these events happened in the order I am typing them here but they did all have an impact on me this semester and made me grow along the way.
Some of my lowest moments were….
One of the things I love the most is music/band. I made a friend with a freshman who looked like he could use some friends but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. It started off nice and I introduced him to my apartment but things quickly took a turn. He said things that made us question certain standards and worry for our mental health and physical health. There came nights that I couldn’t sleep in my own bed. I would wait until all my roommates fell asleep and then I would go into the living room and pass out in the sofa chair then I would wake up before any of them and go back into my room so none of them would know. I eventually told them later and they all said that I could have slept in their room to make me feel safer but the truth was I didn’t feel comfortable or safe in the apartment I lived in and sometimes I still don’t when I get triggered.
If you have read any of my previous articles you have probably seen one or two about the marching band. I came here partially because of this ensemble and it has been a great ride except for this year. I don’t know what happened but since I am not in leadership it seems like everybody thinks that I am the bad guy. I was accused of giving underage members alcohol, not practicing my music, skipping rehearsals and games just for the fun of it but I never did that before so why would I now.The people who accused me of serving younger members alcohol I find it funny because it was exactly what they were doing. I don’t know why my character was so terrible. There were several points in the season when I wanted to quit. The first one was before the first game and I was accused of planning to give younger members alcohol when I only planned on a time to clean instruments and press/steam our uniforms. Another moment was when one of the color guard pro staff members had to get the paramedics from the ambulance to look at me. I was overheating, dizzy, lightheaded, version going in and out , etc. but apparently that was not a good enough reason to leave the game and made some people mad. I didn’t get an option. It was to leave the game on my own terms or get driven away in an ambulance. I made the decision to put my health first and not have a huge bill at the same time. Other moments made me want to come and go but I am not a quitter so I just pushed through when in reality my mental health was taking nonstop hits as I mentally didn’t want to go and it tore me apart to see a director who I thought I had a strong relationship with think I gave so little to the program in my final year of being apart of it.
Apparently I didn’t learn from the first time of letting freshman boys into my friend group because here comes round two. There was this guy and I don’t want to blast anyone so I will leave him unnamed like the rest but he did some stupid things and hurt the girl he was dating now it isn’t my place to share details but it really upset me and gave my mental health another blow because I was just starting to recover from the first friend mistake and band events but obviously I needed to be pushed again. You know the song lyrics, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” well I was really getting good at blocking the punches but could never get off of the defensive and live my own life to build my mental health. This time my roommates and a few friends were all together in this so it made it easy to cop and talk about. The person that caused these problems no longer goes here but what happened is still draining on me.
No one has the perfect home life but mine ever since I have gotten to college has been nothing but a distraction and worries me. I never know what or who I will go home to. I prefer to stay at school and only go home when absolutely necessary. All families have their problems but while I am away I get left out of the loop and only find out when I am home or when it is 2 or 3am in the morning and my mom is calling me crying and apologizing for something that she didn’t do it was my father’s choice but yet he won’t take responsibility for it. He will call others out if they do acknowledge their mistakes but he must be invisible or he just doesn’t care. My sister lives at home since her college is so close and I feel so bad for her because she has to handle that mess everyday. It makes school hard for me but she has found a way to cope and gets therapy from her school to help her with all of her feelings since our parents are unable to help us.
