I have found myself shocked by the speed of my life lately, it’s like I can never catch a break. There is always something that needs to be done. I’m trying to alter my concept of time and change how I react to it, I should not dread the future it should excite me, but it is just daunting. Time is the bane of my existence.
When anticipating an event, time seems to drag on, like watching a pot of water boil. Leading up to an event all one thinks about is just that one thing, and all the possibilities and scenarios. Not quite the feeling of anxiety, but suspense. Although, for someone with anxiety, anticipation or suspense can be excruciating. It just elevates the anxiousness they already hold. This stands true in my personal experiences. I will use one dreadful experience and one exciting experience to show how anticipation can affect one’s concept of time.
My most dreadful experience with anticipation involved a date to a homecoming dance. I had agreed to go with this boy Alex, but my anxiety quickly changed my decision. I began to almost obsess over the homecoming dance and avoid this kid as much as possible. You see, my mom said that I shouldn’t cancel, “we will just take pictures and it will be over”. Well, that did not help calm my nerves. For the last week leading up to the dance I felt intense dread, and time seemed to pass extremely slower than usual, painfully so. I contemplated faking an illness for the dance, skipping school the few days before the dance just so I wouldn’t have to see Alex, but of course I was being dramatic and the days dragged on. The day ended up being fine, a.k.a. I made sure we drove in separate cars to pictures and to the school and ditched him right when we got to the dance and never spoke to him again, and my life resumed as normal. Once the dread passed and I didn’t have to worry about him anymore, I felt at ease and time continued to move at a normal pace.
My most prominent experience with anticipation was an exciting one. All I’ve ever wanted since I could remember was to go to college; it’s what got me through high school. The summer before my first year of college passed with agonizingly long days before getting to come to school. Since I’ve been looking forward to this moment for so long it felt like an eternity and now that contrast makes me feel like I can’t keep up with the days. There seems to be no concept of time in the city and everyone is drumming to their own beat, nobody seems to be in sync, it is so fast paced and constantly moving. Weeks have been feeling like days and I can’t catch my breath sometimes, when will my internal clock catch up with actual time? When will I be able to pause time?