I want to start this off by saying that I am not a professional therapist or psychologist. I am not some profound life-guru who has found the meaning of life and wants to tell the world my secrets to eternal happiness. I am just someone who has been successful in overcoming their severe depression, and I want to share my story in hopes that maybe it can help other people who may be struggling with their own issues.
I have lived some really dark couple of years.
In my first semester of college, I was sexually assaulted by someone who I considered a close friend at the time. I thought once it was over and I came back from winter break, I would be fine and just move on with my life. I was so naive to realize the trauma that would haunt me and linger, waiting to attack its prey. The following semester I had panic attacks, nightmares, and suffered from anxiety and depression. I was experiencing this new sense of sadness and suffering that was tolerable because I felt comfortable in the sadness and isolation, yet terrifying at the same time because it felt like I couldn’t escape it.
Something that was once foreign to me became second nature. I stopped hanging out with my friends, stayed inside most days, barely took care of myself, and would never eat. I have stayed in relationships with people who were emotionally abusive and left those that were healthy and loving because I couldn’t even love myself. Those who know me personally and are reading this probably won’t even believe me when I say I have contemplated suicide. I used to hide how I felt constantly because it felt easier to just act like everything was fine.
It wasn’t until late September of last year when I finally decided to get help. I started out by telling my close friends and parents about my sexual assault. From there, I took a semester off so I could attend a mental health facility program. Although this place did help, I still felt some remnants of my trauma holding me hostage. Unfortunately, months after my program ended, my depression worsened. And in late January, before the spring semester started, I was in my apartment holding a bottle of painkillers with a blank expression on my face.
I just wanted the pain to end.
And then, quarantine happened. Life suddenly got a whole lot worse for all of us. People were feeling scared, paranoid, and uncertain with high amounts of anxiety. I would worry for my parents, who were working in a hospital all day, and stayed up all night thinking about how this couldn’t possibly get any worse. It was exhausting. But there came a point where I was sick of crying myself to sleep, not being able to cope with everything going on. That’s when I realized that enough was enough. I am tired of playing the victim in a life where I am meant to be the protagonist.
So over the past couple of months, I started taking my life back. I took up meditating, sleeping regularly, creating a routine for myself. I even embraced new hobbies, like painting and writing songs, because I wanted to feed my creative mind and invest in passions that I gave up on in the past. Even the little things like journaling my feelings, or writing down five things I was grateful for every night before bed, has made all the difference. Most importantly, I allow myself to feel my emotions now, rather than deflect or repress them.
Slowly but surely, I feel like myself again. I no longer yearn for an end to my suffering because I no longer suffer. Heck, even my therapist said she has seen a huge change in me, and I don’t think I give myself enough credit. It truly feels great to say that I feel much more confident and hopeful with myself and my future now.
I put “cured” in quotation marks in the title because you can’t really cure depression. There is no cure, just ways to either alleviate it or lessen the extreme in which it can make someone feel. But I also wanted to put the word “cure” as a reminder that I am not fully healed just yet. I am just beginning.
REMINDER
Don’t let them break you.
Don’t let them ruin you.
Don’t let them take or keep that power over you.
Don’t let them steal that smile of yours.
Don’t let them keep you fueled up with anger.
You are so special, whether you believe it or not.
I want you to know that despite what you’re going through,
You can still choose to love, to still laugh, to be happy
You are worth so much more than you ever could’ve imagined.
Don’t let them win.
This is your life.
Take it back.
-Martine Ashley