I had a mental break down on December 7th, 2019. Looking back I realized that it was a long time coming. I had a lot of pent up emotions and I think that my philosophy of ~positive vibes only~ had stopped working out days ago. But, December 7th was a really bad day for me. It was my late Grandfather’s birthday and the day was solemn celebrating his first birthday since he died. I was meant to go to New York City with a friend but she canceled a few hours before we left. When I woke up I realized that I had an amazing opportunity to contribute my thoughts to a CNN article but, someone who I thought was a friend took credit for what I had done. I spent the day trying to get the opportunity back and when I finally did I was so disillusioned I had spent the day crying.
That night I got a hair cut and instead of a simple trim, my hair was to my ears. I have curly hair and I knew that I would have to wait months to grow my hair back. I couldn’t believe that the salon didn’t listen to my request. As I sat in my dorm I ran into a RA incident where I had to stop a violent fight. As I sat alone in my closet-sized room I realized that I hated my life. I hated my body. I hated myself. I hated my (now ex) sorority. I hated that I tried so hard to make people happy when they wouldn’t do the same to me. As I went to bed that night I felt like I was going to cry forever. And honestly, for the next week, I cried myself to sleep.
But there comes a time in every young woman’s life where you can choose to either accept the life that you are given or you fight for the life you deserve. I know it sounds a little too melodramatic but, I felt like I was ready for a lifestyle change. From that moment on, I decided that I wanted to live selfishly. I figured that if everyone else in the world had their best interests in themselves then I should too. That’s not to say that I stopped caring about people–I still do–but I wanted to stop caring about people to the point where it hurt me.
In the next few months, I radically changed my life. I got a gym membership and lost thirty pounds (and still am in the process of losing more). I left my sorority and called them out for being corrupted. I lost touch with certain friends who didn’t have my best interest at heart. I focused on my future career path and in my studies. And slowly my hair grew back to its original length.
I can’t say that it was easy. I can’t say that there weren’t bumps in the road where I wavered. But, I can honestly say that when I experienced that night where everything went wrong I forced myself to make things right.
Living selfishly isn’t selfish. I think that you can put yourself first without being shallow. Instead, it’s caring for yourself in a world that more than likely won’t care for you. In a weird way, I’m grateful for that night because it allowed me to really turn my life around.