I know what you are thinking, “Will this girl ever stop talking about grad school?”. And honestly? Probably not. I think with every week I find a new problem within myself and within my application. I’m officially obsessed.
Sometimes when I’m combing through my application I can’t help but feel inadequate. I wonder if I’m smart enough for the schools that I’m applying to. I wonder if I’m smart enough for any grad school. I’ve been working on applications with the smartest I know a friend and she assures me that it’s solid. I’m not going to get rejected from every school. And yet I still have a reoccurring nightmare about it.
It’s scary the places that your mind will take you. I think the worst part of being human is that your brain will convince you of anything. Even if you know that it’s irrational.
One time I expressed this to my friend. She told me, “You’ve got a bad case of imposter syndrome.”. Imposter syndrome according to The New York Times is described to be the secret belief that you are a fraud and everyone in the world is yet to discover it. Scary right? But it turns out that it’s actually pretty common. Especially if you are a perfectionist or hold yourself to (sometimes) ridiculously high standards.
Researchers also argue that it affects people who face social inequality. This is because minorities often don’t have role models within their fields. This lack of success stories alienates them from the rest of the community. This leads to minorities and women to think they don’t belong despite having all of the qualifications that prove they do.
It’s bonkers. But understanding the cause of imposter syndrome genuinely helped me out a bit. Something subliminally within me is telling me that I don’t belong. More than likely it has nothing to do with me but everything with the society that I’ve been conditioned to live in. As a first-generation college student, I didn’t grow up interacting with people who went to college. And nothing within my college career came easy to me. I had a lot of successes within my college career but it wasn’t a sprint towards them. It was more like a hobble towards my hopes and dreams. And I’m okay with that.
Part of the reason why I’m so frazzled about these applications is that I’m really passionate about them. I care about the work that I do. And I’ve worked so hard to get to this point. Although it’s hard to remember I’m gonna try to keep telling myself.
I deserve to be here.